Update on my Journey

Recently, I have found myself less and less willing to post about my grief journey. I am not sure exactly why. The pain is still there just as intensely. As someone said to me, "The pain does not go away, but we get stronger and more able to deal with it." I still cry when I least at expect it.....................and when I do expect it. I still can't figure out how I am suppose to get through life without the child to whom I gave birth. However, I know that each day I will find the strength I need from the One who never leaves or forsakes us. I know that I will complete this journey some day and see Joshua again.

Perhaps, we finally get to a point in our grief where we realize that the rest of the world is ready for us to "move on" because our pain is beginning to make them feel uncomfortable. That's ok. Perhaps that is what gives us the ability to grasp the reality of what our life has become and make the best of it. Joshua is never out of my thoughts and always in my heart. I am just learning to talk about him without crying (so much) in public and I save the tears for when I am alone.

The grief support group has been a big help to me. In our small group, it's ok to let those tears out and to talk about all of the emotions associated with our grief. Most recently we talked about anger associated with grief. I didn't want to address the anger because I have worked very hard to not be angry and to be forgiving and loving to those I needed to show grace.

For that one night I faced the anger I didn't even realize I had, and expressed it verbally. I have never been angry at God. I know that He is a God of love and that He does not inflict evil upon His children. Rather, I believe evil is a result of this fallen world in which we live. I, however, do have anger towards those folks responsible directly and indirectly for my son's death but was unable to admit that to myself until recently. Even though I pray for them and want them to find direction in their lives and become better people, I have anger over what they did to my precious son.

I will admit, when asked to share what I was angry about, I thought it was a bunch of "hog wash" because what was that going to do? It wasn't going to change anything. But much to my surprise, it did change something. It changed me. It took that place where all that ugliness has been brewing in my heart and cleaned it out. Then I had a choice. I could let all that ugliness slowly seep back in, or, I could fill it with something good. By being able to express the pain in detail, in person and find support and acceptance within the group it left a place in my heart that I could fill with happiness and laughter once again.

Those feelings of anger and disappointment will return. I will have to deal with them again. It's part of life. In the mean time, I am truly learning to live more in spite of my grief. My life is becoming more productive again and my thought process more clear. I don't believe I will ever be the same as I was before Joshua died. How could I? But just as someone who loses the capability to walk and has to learn again step by step, I am learning slowly how to live again. It is a long, painful journey but I know that Joshua would want me to make the best of it. I know that he would want me to be happy. I find myself more sensitive to the things that he was sensitive to and try to honor him in that way. He loved family, peace, animals and gave sacrificially to others who were in need. I find myself drawn to those ideals even more than I ever was, knowing that by promoting them, a part of Josh lives on through me. I hope that when this life is over that this grief journey has made me a better person and that I have truly earned that smile that awaits me in Heaven both from my Heavenly Father and from my precious son.