Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Blessing For Absence

A Blessing For Absence - John O'Donohue

May you know that absence is full
of tender presence and that
nothing is ever lost or
forgotten.
May the absences in your life be full of
eternal echo.
May you sense around you the secret
Elsewhere which holds the presences
that have left your life.
May you be generous in your embrace of
loss.
May the sore of your grief turn into a well
of seamless presence.
May your compassion reach out to the ones
we never hear from and may you have
the courage to speak out for the excluded
ones.
May you become the gracious and
passionate subject of your own life.
May you not disrespect your mystery
through brittle words or false belonging.
May you be embraced by God in whom
dawn and twilight are one and may
your longing inhabit it’s deepest dreams
within the shelter of the Great
Belonging

Friday, April 23, 2010

Melt Down

It seems I only come to this blog now when I am extremely down. I have been doing fairly well recently with more energy and more of a zest for life. Of course, always hurting and missing my Josh, but doing better with dealing with things.

The last two nights I have only slept until 4 am and then 3 am and spent the rest of the night awake. It begins to wear on me after a while and this morning something relatively simple went wrong and I totally lost it. I had a major melt down with screaming (which I never do) and sobbing in a fetal position on the bed. Where did that come from? I don't like that part of me. Now, I am exhausted.............totally spent from all the emotion.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Here I am, Wide Awake

It's just a little before 2 AM and precitably, I can't sleep. Nineteen months ago around the same time of the morning, I got the call that Josh had passed away after they removed the life support. I miss my baby so much.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tough Day

Sunday several of us ended up down at the cemetery after church. So many of us in the same family have lost loved ones in the past year and a half. We didn't plan to meet at the cemetery, it's just that we all had the same thing in mind.

Sunday afternoon, the bird cage arrangement that I had put on Angela's grave on Easter was still there. Monday when Angela's mom went to the cemetery it was gone. Someone must have stole it. I certainly can't understand why someone would steal items left at the grave side for deceased loved ones.

I wanted to take something else to the cemetery but was afraid to take another big bird cage. So, today I took a smaller bird on a nest. I hope no one steals it. Today is six months since Angela passed away. I am struggling today with her death.

I got up this morning and Alissa had left a print out of a conversation that I had with Angela on Face Book. In the conversation I said, "I love you". Angela responded back, "I love you more". When I read that this morning for the first time since she wrote it back in September, I started to cry and could not stop. How I miss my sweet little niece with her beautiful smile and her fun loving ways. It hurst so much to not have her here.

Today is the day Angela died and in two more days it will be the day that Josh died. My heart is heavy.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Do What You Think You Can't Do

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Monday, April 5, 2010

Sunday, April 4, 2010

It's Resurrection Sunday

This beautiful holiday has new meaning for me now that I have experienced the death of my child. The power of the Resurrection of Christ means that I have the assurance that one day I will see not only my Savior but also my son once again. I rejoice in this day that brings me the Hope that I need to make it through the days remaining that I have here on this earth.