I am angry

I am so angry right now.

I feel that under the circumstances, I have been doing very well. I feel that I have tried to be honest and open about my grief as I journey through this. I feel that most days are pretty good, but that I have some bad days. This week, I had some really bad days. I got really down on Sunday. There were a number of things that triggered it. One was that I was emotionally and physcially exhausted from trying to save the lives of two of my cows. I thought they were going to die. They are so important to me and have given me a focus since Josh's death. When I thought they were going to die, it was so devestating.

Then, there was going to be a memorial service at church for a young man that hung himself. I was devestated to hear of this loss and it brought up so many painful things for me.

Then this week, Jake went back to court and that always brings a wave of emotion to me.

And, it also seems that as the days grow closer to the 16th of every month, I struggle more.


When I need for people to be understanding and just let me have a bad day or a bad week.................they have come to the point now where they just want me to move on.

Someone I love very much called me yesterday and told me that I need to move on with my life.


I want to scream at them.....................I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I AM HAPPY AND ENJOYING LIFE WHEN I AM SO FILLED WITH PAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE EVERY DAY WITH THE FACT THAT MY LIFE IS A FAILURE.

All I ever dreamed of was being married, having beautiful children, giving them the very best home possible, and seeing them grow up happy and productive. I HAVE FAILED AND FAILED AND FAILED AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE FAILURE. MY SON IS GONE. THER IS NO MAKING IT RIGHT.

I am suppose to just move on from all of this and be happy????????

Now the pretending begins just like when my mother died..................BE QUIET. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER. DON'T CRY FOR HER. DON'T MISS HER. JUST LIVE LIFE.

Only now it's Josh.

So, when they ask me how I am...............I will be fine. I will smile. I will laugh...............I will appear to be fine.

INSIDE I WILL BE DEAD. I WILL BE CRYING. I WILL BE HURTING. THE TEARS WILL FALL WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND TO HOLD ME.

THESE TEARS AND HURT AND ANGER WILL SUCK THE VERY LIFE OUT OF ME AND DESTROY ME. THE VERY ONES WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP ME BY TELLNG ME TO GET OVER IT ARE GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.

Edited: It is almost 17 months later and I have chosen to leave this post as it originally appeared. The feelings were raw and real and need to be heard so that folks understand this side of grief. I have chosen to be completely open and honest about it all. That includes posts such as these.