tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27399414468682456142024-03-13T21:20:22.251-07:00My Journey Through GriefI don't know if anyone will find what I am sharing here to be helpful, but I am compelled to share my heart and be completely open. Perhaps it will help me in the healing process and maybe it will even help someone else. This journey will only be complete when I hold Josh in my arms once again.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.comBlogger138125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-91285804989798932792011-08-04T11:41:00.000-07:002018-01-27T15:02:13.394-08:00The EndThis post will be the last entry on this blog. No, it is not the end of my grief. I will carry this loss with me until I see me son once again in Heaven. But, I feel that I have reached a point in this journey when this chapter has closed and a new chapter has begun. Somehow, by God's grace, I have found the strength to take all the pain that I am feeling and use it as the driving force to do something good in this world in my son's memory. Joshua's Well was just a starting point for me and while I may never be able to be part of something of that magnitude again, I can continue to do what I can to help others both here in the United States and in Guatemala. I can finally say, with assurance, I have found my "new normal".<br />
<br />
Thank you to each friend who has read my words here and who has offered prayers and words of comfort in the past almost three years. I would be blessed if you would continue to pray for me from time to time. <br />
<br />
<b>To Josh:<br />
<br />
Thank you for teaching me how to walk in the rain. I love you more than life itself.<br />
<br />
Mom<br />
<br />
<i></i></b>Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-81386659898545460232011-05-12T08:54:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:47:54.389-07:00ReflectionsFor the first year after Josh's death and beyond, I could do little else but dwell on my grief and reflect on the pain that I carried with me every second of every day. I spent time remembering both the good and bad. I had to be analytical about every emotion and had to disect my memories hoping that I would never forget a single thought or action of my life with Josh or even of the grief I was feeling after he left this world.<br />
<br />
At some point, I began to spiral down to the point where I felt that I just could not go on. I knew I somehow had to go on, but I wasn't sure how to do that. Life was moving by me at lightening speed and I was sitting still in my grief, not knowing how to move forward. <br />
<br />
I began to claw my way upward, grasping at anything that would help me focus on living rather than just existing in my pain. Then, the farm took over and my life became so filled with the obligations of tending to all the newly freshened cows, the new calves, the first time mother goats and their kids, and the demands that processing all the extra milk and keeping up with my share program presented. Now, for months, I have had no time to spend in reflection and my days are spent working myself to exhaustion. In the midst, I find myself embracing the new life around me, while at the same time carrying that grief deep inside me but not giving the grief the reflection or putting to "pen and paper" my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the grief wells up within me, spilling out in bitter tears, wracking sobs, and even screams of anguish. Sometimes the grief leaves me feeling isolated. Sometimes the grief makes me feel tired and without hope. It's always with me. I can work to the point of exhaustion but the grief is still there.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-71408226221217929492011-04-29T08:22:00.001-07:002011-04-29T08:22:42.946-07:00Update on Joshua's WellMy Guatemala trip is just round the corner in July! I am getting so excited! Not only has enough money come in to provide for a deep water well, but we have close to $2000 over and above that amount that will be designated to a specific need. (We are trying to determine where there is the greatest need and give towards whatever that might be.) My heart is continually blessed knowing that so many people have given sacrificially to make Joshua's memorial and Joshua's Well a reality. Working towards this memorial has done so much to help give me focus and help me as I walk through this valley of grief. The grief never goes away, but becomes a constant companion with which one learns how to coexist and live. Now as I focus on these final months before the trip, there are a number of items that I can take along with me to give to the orphans or to the elderly that are in need in the rural areas of Guatemala. I know there are many needs right here with in the US and if your heart is telling you to contribute to other needs and not to this specific needs of the folks in Guatemala, then follow your heart. However, I wanted to list some of the items that would be useful to take along on the trip and distrubute to those in need in Guatemala, in case anyone feels led to contribute.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
o Candy for the kids<br />
<br />
o Small toys/stuffed animals/balls<br />
<br />
o Hair ties for girls<br />
<br />
o Underwear for children<br />
<br />
o Kitchen towels for the kitchen workers<br />
<br />
o infant/baby clothing, especially Onesies (Rescue Center)<br />
<br />
o infant/baby toys (Rescue Center)<br />
<br />
o burp cloths, bibs, etc. (Rescue Center)<br />
<br />
o children's clothing and shoes, all sizes (Orphanage)<br />
<br />
o lotions, soaps, toothbrushes, etc. (Elderly Home)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My heart is full and hurting for those all over the world who are in need, including those in our own country, especially after the devastating tornadoes in the south. So, search your heart and decide where it is you are to help and follow your heart. Maybe your calling is just to give your neighbor a hug. Whatever it is, I pray you are blessed in your giving.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Much love,<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TammyMaple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-28449609322964881902011-03-26T20:25:00.000-07:002011-03-26T20:25:38.759-07:00I can't relax............About twenty years ago, I cross stitched a wall hanging for my (then) mother-in-law. It showed the face of a frazzled woman and said, "I can't relax. Tension is holding me together."<br />
<br />
I often think about that silly little wall hanging because it seems it sums up my life at this point.<br />
<br />
For so long, I could not function after Josh died. I went through the motions of the most basic tasks, but I just couldn't get my act together. At some point in the past few months, my brain has switched gears and now I can't do enough. I go through the days so busy that I have little time to think and it seems I like it that way. Of course, the loss of my son is always with me. It is a part of me that will never go away. But, I carry it with me as I work and fill my life with business so that I don't have time to get depressed. <br />
<br />
Probably not healthy, but this is survival. Somehow, in the midst of the survival mode, I do find moments when I really feel like I am alive once again. Other times, I am in the middle of life and I just break down and cry over my precious son whom I miss so much.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-40115095901204195232011-03-02T03:35:00.000-08:002011-03-02T03:35:15.492-08:00His SmileI saw him smile that big, goofy smile. He waved. I waved back. I was so excited to see him as he was me. He was with friends and happy. I was thrilled. I saw him ride away in the back of his old pick up truck just grinning from ear to ear. <br />
<br />
It was just a dream but a happy dream.<br />
<br />
In my dream I continued to say "I saw Josh! I saw Josh!"<br />
<br />
I told Mike my dream and he smiled.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-18884812438685354992011-01-05T13:37:00.001-08:002011-01-05T13:37:09.213-08:00No ConstantIf I have learned anything over the last 2 plus years, it is that in the grief journey there is not constant. Feelings will change and just when you think you are settled and have found a new normal, there is some new emotion to deal with. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is just a fact.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-41094365644845656692010-12-25T17:37:00.001-08:002010-12-25T17:37:29.371-08:00Merry Christmas, JoshMerry Christmas, Josh. I miss you so much. <br />
<br />
I love you,<br />
<br />
MomMaple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-8962900080017056162010-12-24T07:53:00.000-08:002010-12-24T07:53:35.701-08:00A Hero in the Arms of JesusMy friend's son passed away this morning. A current veteran of the US Army who donated his organs so that others might live. He is a hero. <br />
<br />
May God's grace, mercy and peace surround this family both now and in the days and years to come.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-17371221591450580272010-12-23T19:41:00.000-08:002010-12-23T19:41:28.782-08:00Praying for a MIiracleThe Eve before Christmas Eve and I am praying. I am begging God for a miracle. A friend's son is on life support. She is on her way to see him from another state. So many parallels, but this is not about me. <br />
<br />
Merciful Father, please, I beg you to be with this mother. Grant her clarity of thought. May she feel your presence even in the midst of the terror that surrounds her. I also ask that you grant this family a miracle if at all possible. Surround this young man and may he feel Your arms around him. May he find comfort in your love. Please fill his heart with peace. Where there is life, there is hope and you are the God of all hope. If it please you, I pray that his life would be spared.<br />
<br />
AmenMaple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-45811995929232912892010-12-21T19:20:00.000-08:002010-12-21T19:20:51.405-08:00FocusJoshua's Well has given me a focus, a drive, a reason. <br />
<br />
No, this will not bring my Joshua back to me and it will not take away the pain. Somehow though, by working towards this common goal of raising enough money to build this well, it brings light to the darkness and fills my heart with hope. <br />
<br />
The well will be a memorial to my son whom I love so much. The well itself means nothing. It is the life that the well will bring to the people that is the true memorial. <br />
<br />
I know Joshua would approve. I know it would make him smile to know that so many people are working together to make this happen. <br />
<br />
Mike and I never give each other gifts at Christmas. So, I was suprised last night when he said to me that he was giving me a Christmas gift. The gift he has promised me is that he will send me to Guatemala for the dedication ceremony of Joshua's Well. <br />
<br />
I am so touched by his understanding of my need to be there and by his willingness to make sure that I get to go. I am blessed with such a good husband that would give so unselfishly to meet my heart's desire.<br />
<br />
In the beginning, after Josh died, I expressed to a few people that I had a dream to some day go to spend some time helping out in an orphanage overseas. It looks like I may also get to do this as well when I go to Guatemala. <br />
<br />
We do not yet know the timing. That depends on when we can get the funds together and when the well is dug. I believe it will happen. I have faith that this is meant to be.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-25245349009911002602010-12-18T11:05:00.000-08:002010-12-18T11:07:55.962-08:00Joshua's WellI received a telephone call from Josh and Alissa's paternal grandmother this week. We talked for a few minutes and then she began to share with me what was on her heart. As she began to share, the tears began to flow down my face. For over two years now, since Josh's death, I have searched my heart for a cause that would be a lasting tribute in memory of Josh. I have donated to various charitable organizations including <a href="http://www.heifer.org/">Heifer </a>International and also <a href="http://www.shipfoundationganizations in his name including .org/">SHIP (Safe Harbor InterPhilippines)</a> a non-profit, residential care facility for abandoned, abused, neglected and orphaned children in Baguio City, Philippines that was founded and is maintained by my good friends John and Kim Piet. While I continue to support S.H.I.P. with my donations, I have been praying about something that we could do that would specifically bear Josh's name and be a lasting tribute to his memory. Josh's grandmother provided me with exactly the project for which I have been searching.<br />
<br />
Dick and Kay Hall (Josh and Alissa's grandparents) went on a trip this past year to Guatemala where among other things, they spent time in the poverty stricken villages as well as in the orphanages. They were working hand and hand with an organization called Cause Life. In these villages, there is a serious lack of clean water, which is a basic necessity of life. Dick and Kay were so moved by their experiences in Guatemala that when they came home, they were touched to try to raise money for a well for a village and to have that well dedicated in memory of Joshua. In fact, the well will be named Joshua's well. I can't think of a more beautiful tribute to my precious son than to know that adults and children alike that otherwise would not have access to clean water, would be able to have life giving water from Joshua's Well. <br />
<br />
The following news release was taken from Cause Life's Web Page and references the trip that Dick and Kay took to Guatemala:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://causelife.org/the-cause/Articles/10-01-11/I_Do_This_For_Love.aspx">I DO THIS FOR LOVE</a><br />
<br />
We just returned from Guatemala where we took a passionate group of people for a week. They came from California, Virginia, North Carolina, Washington, and so many other places. Some were pastors, businessmen and women, politicians, and everyday people. The youngest was 9 and the oldest struggled to walk. Each of their stories was different, but every one of them shared the same desire . . . to make an eternal difference in the life of another.<br />
<br />
Through the causelife project, they caught the vision that giving clean water is the key to providing life. I can’t tell you how excited I was that we were dedicating 5 new wells! Each well was made possible through a person, just like you, who saw a need and acted.<br />
<br />
These wells are in villages where there has only been dirty, contaminated water. Infant mortality is 50 percent and higher in these places because of water born diseases. The conditions are deplorable and miserable. The only sound that fills the air is the sound of babies crying out from hunger and thirst.<br />
<br />
But now these villages are experiencing a transformation. When these wells are turned on kids start laughing and playing in the water. Mothers begin filling buckets. The whole mood of the village instantly changes. It is the change that comes from hope replacing despair.<br />
<br />
Hope of Life in Llano Verde, Guatemala has an incredible staff of dedicated people. They all come from the local villages. One of them said this week, “I don’t need things. Why am I going to have things when these children . . . they have nothing. How can I buy things when I see them die everyday? I don’t do this for money . . . I do this for love.”<br />
<br />
These wells in Guatemala, and other parts of the world, are not a testimony to money. They are a testimony of compassion motivated to action! They are a testimony to love.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://causelife.org/the-cause/faq.aspx">Cause Life FAQ<br />
</a><br />
<br />
*****************************************************************<br />
<br />
The following is information taken from Cause Life's web page:<br />
<br />
<br />
Clean water is essential for life.But more than 1 billion people in the world lack access to clean water. This causes over 2 million unsafe drinking water deaths every year, and most are children.<br />
<br />
Every day, 6,000 children die from water-related illnesses such as diarrhea, malaria, typhoid, cholera, worms, and parasites. With each sip the number of deaths grow. This contaminated water is the only water they have ever known. And for some, it will be the only water they ever have.<br />
<br />
The lack of clean drinking water in developing countries is the starting place of a thousand miseries. It exacerbates malnutrition, sickness, infant mortality, poverty, and illiteracy.<br />
<br />
Their greatest need is clean water.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://causelife.org/the-need/Change-Children.aspx">WATER CHANGES CHILDREN<br />
</a><br />
Children’s lives become a reflection of the water they drink. When the water is contaminated, every area of their lives becomes affected. Contaminated water brings diseases from waterborne parasites and bacteria. Typhoid, dysentery, malaria, and cholera create sickness and death. <br />
<br />
Children cannot go to school because their parents need them to fetch water. Walking for water is the most common chore that keeps children busy during the day, preventing them from attending school. Even if they have time, the high number of illnesses stops many from going to school. <br />
<br />
This lack of education continues the cycle of poverty found in developing countries. Short-term solutions such as trucking in water or food are just that, short term. These quick fixes absolutely save lives, but they do not create self-sustainability. Instead, they create dependence without progress. <br />
<br />
The root problem will always be dirty water. It is a life characterized by sickness, poverty, illiteracy, and early death. But when dirty water is replaced with clean water, everything changes. <br />
<br />
High mortality rates drop because babies no longer suffer from parasites and diarrhea. Children are healthy enough to attend school and they have the time without long walks to a water source. Some may eventually attend a university where they will receive a higher education, bringing hope to their villages and communities <br />
<br />
There is more food from gardens and irrigated land. Livestock is healthier and provides better meat. Families eat what they need and can sell what is left at the market. <br />
<br />
Productivity increases, poverty decreases, and children’s lives are transformed.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://causelife.org/the-need/Change-Health.aspx">WATER CHANGES HEALTH<br />
</a><br />
"Don’t drink the water!"<br />
<br />
The only times we hear those words are in travel warnings to countries in Latin America, Asia, and Africa. But, children living in those countries drink the water every day and they are dying from it.<br />
<br />
A single sip of water is all it takes to be infected. A single drop of water can contain over one billion bacterial organisms. Diarrhea, malaria, typhoid, cholera, worms and parasites, and trachoma just to name a few. <br />
<br />
All the pills in all the bottles in the world won’t help a child who drinks dirty water every day.<br />
<br />
It is often said that the best way to treat an illness is to make sure you don’t get it in the first place. Although it almost seems too simple, the best medicine really is prevention. <br />
<br />
Prevention can be as simple as a cup of clean water.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://causelife.org/the-need/Change-Hunger.aspx">WATER CHANGES HUNGER<br />
<br />
<br />
</a>You see a starving child. You think: Food.<br />
<br />
Yes, they need food, but what they need first is clean water. Life-giving nutrients from food cannot be absorbed because of the different diseases and parasites brought about by the contaminated water they are drinking.<br />
<br />
In Guatemala, 44 percent of children suffer from chronic malnutrition. But it is the lack of clean water that is the main factor for this high number. It is estimated that every year 860,000 child deaths from malnutrition worldwide could be prevented by providing clean water.<br />
<br />
Over 840 million people worldwide suffer from malnutrition. At least 799 million of those live in developing countries and 153 million are young children.<br />
<br />
Our first thought will probably always be that we need to provide them with more food. Ending hunger will bring transformation, but providing food is not enough.<br />
<br />
We must start with clean water. We can work on alleviating hunger through providing water.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://causelife.org/the-need/Change-Education.aspx">WATER CHANGES EDUCATION<br />
</a><br />
Each year in Africa, 40 billion hours are spent just on fetching water. <br />
<br />
In sub-Saharan Africa and many other areas around the world, children must walk an average of four miles each way, every day, just to provide water for their families. This takes hours. <br />
<br />
The consequences are tragic. Children have no time for school. <br />
<br />
Even if they had time, the water they drink keeps them too sick to attend school. <br />
<br />
Globally, children lose 443 million school days each year because of waterborne illnesses. And every year, 400 million children become infected with worms, which severely limits their learning potential.<br />
<br />
But when children have access to clean water, school enrollment increases and education improves, further reducing poverty. <br />
*************************************************************<br />
<br />
The need is there and I have joined with Dick and Kay to try to raise money to dig this well for the people in Guatemala who need clean water so desperately. In doing so, I will be able to help provide a lasting memorial to my son not only through the well that bears his name, but also through each child that is given the chance of life by simply providing them with clean water. <br />
<br />
Dick and Kay hope to travel back to Guatemala when the well is dedicated. I am hoping that Alissa will be able to make that trip as well. I am even praying, that by some miracle I would be able to find someone to take care of our animals so that Mike and I could also make that trip. <br />
<br />
If you would like to help by donating to Joshua's Well, you can do so by sending a tax deductible donation to:<br />
<br />
World Help<br />
PO Box 510<br />
Forest, VA 24502<br />
<br />
Be sure to mark your gift as a memorial for Joshua Hall and to go towards the drilling of Joshua's Well. <br />
<br />
If you would like to donate and prefer to do so online, you can go to causelife.org and send in your donation in this manner. Once again, be sure to mark it for the Joshua Hall memorial fund for Joshua's Well. <br />
<br />
For those who are unable or don't feel a desire to donate, we would still appreciate your passing this information on to others who might be interested. Even if you can't send a gift, you can pray, and that would mean the world to us. <br />
<br />
I think it is very fitting that we should do something for others in memory of my son who was always giving unselfishly of himself to help those he felt were in need. <br />
<br />
Peace,<br />
<br />
TammyMaple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-17138624759148628182010-12-13T18:43:00.000-08:002010-12-13T18:43:54.545-08:00It's not just about me..........When I started this blog, I kept it private. I did not share it with anyone. However, I knew from the first typed sentence that there would come a time when I would share it. From the very beginning I knew that the words here had to come straight from my heart and must be shared. I knew instinctively that this would be my survival. I knew that somehow by speaking my heart and sharing it with the few who chose to listen, I would painfully find my way. <br />
<br />
Those who read this blog and never comment, I thank you for taking the time to read it. Those who have commented, even just once, thank you for your words. To those who have written me privately to offer prayers on my behalf, to offer words of comfort, or to share with me your pain, I thank you.<br />
<br />
You see, this blog is not just about me. Although I write as if no one will ever read this, I know that others are reading it. Some will come simply out of curiosity, still others because they want to reach out to me, but others will come because they too are experiencing the pain of grief. <br />
<br />
Can we compare grief? <br />
<br />
Is my grief great than yours or your grief greater than mine? <br />
<br />
Can we compare the loss of a spouse to the loss of a parent? <br />
<br />
Or the loss of a friend to the loss of a child? <br />
<br />
Can we compare our hurts that come from divorce or the loss of a relationship with a relative? <br />
<br />
What about those who have lost their jobs or their homes? Can we tell them that they don't have the right to grieve because our grief is great than theirs? <br />
<br />
My point is that grief is grief. Pain is pain. Loss is loss. It would be unfair of me to say to anyone that they pain they are feeling can't compare to my pain. It would be unfair of me to judge someone and tell them that they should do better, be better, or get over it because what they are suffering does not compare to what I am suffering. <br />
<br />
My point is that I write these words in this blog for myself, but in doing so, I am writing for all those who grieve, in hopes that we can all realize that we are not alone and to give us all a voice. <br />
<br />
Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you are suffering...........you are not alone. There is no way to compare grief, but we can share in our grief and somehow, we will make it through.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-87668675504557624802010-12-11T18:54:00.000-08:002010-12-11T18:54:41.293-08:00Heavy, heavy heart tonightMy heart is so heavy. It's been a difficult day. I have been on the edge of tears all day and clinging to the joy that I can find in the simple things, as much as possible. <br />
<br />
I dreamed last night that Josh was with me. He was looking for food and seemed concerned about being hungry. I assured him that he had nothing to fear, as he would never be hungry again. He then looked at me and said, "I am not worried about me. I am worried about the children in the world who have no food." <br />
<br />
I woke feeling as though I had been with him..........joyful...............and sad at the same time. While just a dream that was probably spurred by my thoughts of him earlier in the evening, I could not shake that feeling of urgency that I must do something to help. <br />
<br />
I was thinking of Josh earlier in the day and how he was always so giving. The Christmas before he passed away, he put so much of his money in the jar at school for a needy family, that finally his shop teacher told him he was not allowed to give anymore. <br />
<br />
I will be giving, as I always do, to a charity that provides not only food but a home for orphans. I will do so in the spirit of my son who gave so much of himself just because that's the way he was.<br />
<br />
How I miss him!Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-2894240598512095822010-12-01T10:17:00.000-08:002010-12-01T10:17:23.093-08:00ThanksI realized after writing the previous post about the anger that I was feeling, that my anger and depression were robbing me of the thankful heart that I usually have. Having experienced the depths of the depression while trying desperately to cling to my hope in a loving Heavenly Father, I can tell you that one can not force the black cloud of depression and grief to fade away. However,as I expressed my hurt and anger, giving me an outlet for that pain I began to see glimpses of hope once again. I am by nature not an angry person. In fact, my nature is to propogate peace and love. Expressing my frustration, my anger, my grief in fact opened the door for me to once again be able to see the Light as strange as that may sound. Still in the depths of my darkness with Thanksgiving approaching, my heart longed for the peace that I always find in expressing my thanks from a greatful heart. However, the greatfulness and thankfullness were just not there. Or, perhaps they were there but just so deeply buried by my pain. I prayed in desperation, asking God to help me be thankful for the little things and to be able to focus once again on all the good things in my life. At some point over the Thanksgiving weekend, the tears began to fall cleansing my heart and opening the door for thankfulness. Once again thankfulness filled my heart, my soul, my being...............and the anger subsided. <br />
<br />
Will it return. Yes, I am sure it will. Will I be able to see past the hurt? Maybe not for a while. Will this cycle continue? Perhaps. <br />
<br />
What I do know is that God has not forsaken me. What I do know is my heart is full of thankfulness. What this has taught me is that "Yeah though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil for God is with me!"<br />
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I hate the dark valley. I can't see God's face when I am there. It's scary and it hurts really bad. I don't want to be there. But, I must make this journey. <br />
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I am thankful for His grace and thankful that He gives me glimpses of light as I struggle through this valley.<br />
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I am thankful.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-9239869130916773062010-11-25T13:01:00.001-08:002010-11-25T13:01:42.546-08:00Happy Thanksgiving, DarlingI love you, Josh. On your most favorite of holidays, I miss you so much. Happy Thanksgiving, Darling. I know you and Angela are filling heaven with songs of praise and thanksgiving today.<br />
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MomMaple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-80256751898686300342010-11-15T08:58:00.000-08:002010-11-15T09:56:44.187-08:00My Struggle and Wise Words From A FriendI've been struggling. Really, really struggling. Depression threatens to take over at times. Then there are glimpses of light. Hope. The realization that grief never goes away. That somehow this struggle is "normal". <br /><br />So much going through my mind but no time to write. When I have time to write, I can't focus. After two years, the anger has surfaced. Lots of it. Anger that I must carry this pain. Anger that the rest of the world moves on while I carry this pain. Anger that I was robbed of my child. Anger that the one who killed my son walks free and lives. Lives. He lives while my son's ashes are divided between the cold, barren earth and the simple but beautiful box beside my bed where I sometimes touch those ashes. Anger that I am unable to some how breath life back into the dust that was once the body of my son. Anger that I can no longer hold his earthly body close in a warm embrace. Anger that the one who took his life has given life to a beautiful baby girl while my son will never be able to give me grandchildren to hold. <br /><br />"Oh, that's just wrong of you to think and feel that way", I can hear so many say. <br /><br />Walk in my shoes. Feel the pain. Then, tell me that this normal, natural reaction to grief is something that you can avoid. I think not. For some the anger comes early. For others it comes late. It's not the anger that is wrong. It is what I choose to do with this anger. Repressed for a while now, I feel that it is complicating my depression. So now, here on my journal where I have always been honest, I admit that I am angry. <br /><br />With this, I also accept that as these feelings come, I must find ways to deal with them and to release them as I am able. Easy to say. Hard to do. <br /><br />I fear it will be a long winter as I struggle with my grief. <br /><br />In the midst of these thoughts, I had a message from a friend. I feel the message is inspired. She is wise. She suffers a deep loss. She struggles. She loves. She shares with me. <br /><br />Here is her message to me:<br /><br /><em><strong>Coming to a realization that we live with grief for life is a big step, <br />and I think it allows us to live, because as long as we think we should <br />be 'getting over it' we are putting pressure on ourselves. To accept that<br />this is now part of us, and to move on with it, to grow with it, in a way frees<br />us to do just that.</strong></em><br /><br />There you go friends, family, acquaintances and world. She speaks the truth. This grief always is with us. We can't deny it. We can't walk away from it. We are forced to deal with it constantly. There are moments when the pain is a little less intense, but always it is with us like a heavy burden weighing us down. <br /><br />Freedom? What is freedom when you carry a grief so great? I suppose freedom comes from accepting that the grief will always be there and the pain will never go away. Freedom comes from accepting that life will never be what you knew before. Neither will life ever give you what you once dreamed of and expected. Freedom comes from accepting that we are broken and that there is no way to fix it. Freedom comes from no longer trying to hide that brokenness but instead embracing it. Freedom comes from restraining from trying to socially put on a mask to hide the pain for fear that others wont understand. Freedom comes instead from allowing life to sort your friends out for you, knowing that the ones who really matter will still be there at the end of it all. Freedom is accepting that a part of you has already died with that child that was placed in the ground. Freedom is knowing that one day, one day you will see that child again.........hold him..................and be once again complete and alive. <br /><br /><br />Hold on heart. Hold on to that hope. Hold on to that faith.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-78025379326963727012010-11-05T13:39:00.000-07:002010-11-05T13:40:13.010-07:00WishesI really wish I could hold him one more time on this earth.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-89362783177137095472010-10-30T22:44:00.000-07:002010-10-30T23:02:08.497-07:00Blood~The Gift of LifeYesterday was an emotionally draining day for me as I experienced being a blood donor for the very first time. The blood drive was in memory of our niece, Angela Faith, who passed away one year ago in October. I knew that I would be emotional, remembering this special young lady whose very own organs gave life to three people upon her death, but also remembering my son. Joshua loved helping people and was thrilled when he was old enough to begin giving blood. He was also a tissue donor upon his death and was an advocate of organ donation as well. (Due to complications with the harvest team, they were not able to harvest Josh's organs for donation upon his death.) <br /><br />I will be honest, I was terrified to give blood not only because of the physical aspects of the procedure, but also because I knew how emotional I would get. There were times this week when I felt as though I just would not be able to go through with it. However, Saturday morning before going to the church where the donation would be taken, I felt strength flow through me as I thought of these two remarkable children who in life and in death gave of themselves so that others might live. <br /><br />Before the blood even began to flow from my veins, as the nurse was prepping my arm to insert the needle, I began to cry. My wonderful family was there with me through the process. My mother-in-law never left my side, stroking my arm and standing over me. Her presence brought me strength. Angela's mother, my sister-in-law Cathy, also never left my side. We looked at each other and shared a moment through our eye contact that only two mother's who have lost their children can share. As the tears fell, the blood flow stopped. They tipped me back in my seat, threw an ice pack on my chest, and the supervisor came over and began prodding at my arm to get the blood moving again. "We've got to get you to relax", she said gently. I breathed deeply and the blood began to flow again after a few moments. Cathy whispered in my ear and said, "Your blood flowed two times............once for Angela and once for Josh." I shook my head as the tears continued to flow down my face keeping pace with the blood flowing from my arm. <br /><br />The supervisor then leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Someone was sitting here with you from Above helping to get your blood flowing again." I shook my head yes. I knew it was true. <br /><br />As I left the church after donating blood, I prayed that if possible, God would use this blood that I had given to save the life of a young person and give some parent a chance to hold their child just a little bit longer.<br /><br />I know Angela and Josh are smiling.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-11647524520330895492010-10-19T19:08:00.000-07:002010-10-19T19:14:03.231-07:00Blessings on a Hard DayYesterday was so hard. There was no "reason" for the way I was feeling. I just could not shake the despair........the sadness.........the overwhelming sense of loss. There were moments when I felt I just could not go on. But,like He has done so many times, the Father touched me through the love of His children. An email from one and a phone call from the other. One who just "met" Josh through my grief blog and the other who knew Josh in person. Each of them blessed me with their words and with their kindness.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-10401031153492052532010-10-16T13:03:00.001-07:002010-10-16T13:06:03.161-07:0025 monthsI hate being without you, Josh. For the first time, since your death, I have not mentioned to anyone that today's day marks another anniversary. 25 months. I'm trying to do better, but it still hurts so much. I wonder if anyone else remembers or thinks about the 16th as it approaches each month? <br /><br />With the one year anniversary of Angela's passing, I couldn't help but think about the two of you up in heaven together. I bet you are picking on each other like you always did. Give each other a hug for me.<br /><br />I love you, Josh.<br /><br />MomMaple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-57179002435034489392010-10-14T18:32:00.000-07:002010-10-14T18:37:56.042-07:00Remember AngelaOne year ago today, our niece <a href="http://myjourneythroughgrief.blogspot.com/2010/02/angela-faith.html">Angela</a>, went to heaven after a terrible car accident. Our hearts ache for our own loss. My heart aches for her mother. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.makeitbeautifultoo.com/2010/10/remember-angela.html">Remember Angela</a>Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-764008523994619312010-10-02T13:29:00.000-07:002010-10-02T13:30:41.631-07:00The Happiest DaysThe happiest days are somehow the saddest. Proof that joy and sorrow do abide in the same heart. <br /><br />My grandparents will be here with me soon. The joy in my heart is real. My Josh is not here with us. The sorrow in my heart is deep.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-16173911972584873492010-09-26T04:30:00.000-07:002010-09-26T04:31:17.834-07:00Dreams of JoshI woke to a gentle rain around four o'clock this morning. I went out on the deck and of course, I thought of my Josh. When I went back to sleep, I dreamed of him. It was so clear and beautiful. He was younger and I held him lovingly in my arms for a long time. I told him that I love him. He said back to me "I love you" so clearly. Then, after a while, he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, but I couldn't find him. I woke up crying but not before these words came into my head from my son, "There's nothing there for me." <br /><br />What a precious dream. What a comfort to know my son is right where he belongs, in the arms of the Father.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-38290089386542095632010-09-25T08:09:00.000-07:002010-09-25T08:12:47.880-07:00Let The Waters RiseLet The Waters Rise <br /><br />by Mikeschair<br /><br />Don't know where to begin<br />Its like my world's caving in<br />And I try but I can't control my fear<br />Where do I go from here?<br /><br />sometimes its so hard to pray<br />When You feel so far away<br />But I am willing to go<br />Where you want me to<br />God, I trust You<br /><br />There's a raging sea <br />Right in front of me<br />Wants to pull me in<br />Bring me to my knees<br />So let the waters rise<br />If You want them to <br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br /><br />I will swim in the deep<br />'Cuz You'll be next to me<br />You're in the eye of the storm<br />And the calm of the sea<br />You'll never out of reach<br /><br />God, You know where I've been<br />You were there with me then<br />You were faithful before<br />You'll be faithful again<br />I'm holding Your hand<br /><br />There's a raging sea <br />Right in front of me<br />Wants to pull me in<br />Bring me to my knees<br />So let the waters rise<br />If You want them to <br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br /><br />God Your love is enough<br />You will pull me through<br />I'm holding onto You<br />God Your love is enough<br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br /><br /><br /><br />There's a raging sea <br />Right in front of me<br />Wants to pull me in<br />Bring me to my knees<br />So let the waters rise<br />If You want them to <br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br />I will follow You<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KIkQ7YVys_A?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KIkQ7YVys_A?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2739941446868245614.post-67783515255444634862010-09-21T11:02:00.000-07:002010-09-21T11:09:17.119-07:00FallWe just marked the second year anniversary of Josh's death on the 16th and now face the first year anniversary of our niece, <a href="http://myjourneythroughgrief.blogspot.com/2010/02/angela.html">Angela's</a>, death. It weighs heavy on our hearts as the month of October approaches.<br /> <br /><br />I believe Father takes some of his most precious children home in the fall. My grandmother, mother and Josh all went to Heaven in September and our sweet girl Angela went in October. <br /><br /><br />Still, with all the sadness, we have lots of reasons to celebrate. Fall is such a festive season. Even our Heavenly Father decorates the trees and landscapes in various colors for this special season. I still believe................no, I know.....that sadness and joy can abide in the same heart.Maple Lawn Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10813334245826551671noreply@blogger.com0