I think I've found the "New Normal"

The realization hit me recently that I have reached the "new normal". About two months ago I actually began to "function" again to almost full capacity. I don't know that I will ever again be able to throw myself into life and work the way I did before Josh died. I have, however, found a slower, steady pace...............one that does not involve as many dreams of a beautiful future (on this earth) and one that recognizes that nothing in this world is permanent. With this new normal, so many things that seemed to matter before, just don't matter anymore. This new normal brings with it the realization that this hurt in my heart is just not going to lesson. In some ways, yes, it's true, I learn how to deal with it and grow stronger. Still, I find myself suddenly panic at times and cry out, "This just can't be real. Josh can't really be gone." Yet, I know he is and I must deal with the loss because I have no other choice. It's really very unfair but what sense would there be in fighting it? It's a fact whether it's fair or not and I have no choice but to deal with it. The reality that everything I love can be taken from me in an instant causes me to wonder what is going to be next. The frustration in knowing that nothing I hold dear is immune from suddenly being snatched from my life causes me to sometimes view life as futile. Yet, my heart filled with love for those who remain within reach of my touch and voice keeps me from giving into despair and causes me to keep trying. My memories of my precious son and the desire to make him proud and be the strong mother he would want me to be, gives me just enough strength to go on. This new normal is just so hard.