I'm OK

I just want to preface this post with "I'm OK".

I really am OK. Yes, my heart is bleeding, hurting and broken and this month is a hard one to get through.

I am compelled to write of my feelings and my memories and while the grief is sometimes overwhelming, I want those of you reading my words to know that I am OK. However, I can't stop myself from writing. I must write. To hold it all inside would make me "Not OK".

Tonight I am thinking so many things. I am thinking about Josh's friend Sam who just started his first year of college. Sam and Josh were so close and had so many shared dreams. Sam keeps in touch with me and is such a good, good young man. I am so honored that he is part of my life. When I think of Sam, I think of Josh. I think of all the things he never got a chance to do.

My mind is a jumbled mess of mixed emotions and totally unrelated facts. Like the fact that my Christmas cactus has bloomed twice a year every year until the Christmas after Josh died. It did not bloom. I thought it might bloom around Easter, as it usually does, but it did not bloom again. I was looking at it today and wondering if it will bloom this year? I think it's appropriate that it did not bloom after Josh died but I wonder how long it will mourn?

And the clock keeps running through my mind. It's not my clock. It's an old antique mantel clock that my brother sent with me to see if Mike's dad could repair it. He got it working for a while and then it stopped. We could not get it to run. The night I got the call about Josh, I accidentally bumped the clock and it began to tick. As I set there for almost 24 hours waiting to hear that Josh had finally passed on from his wounds, I listened to each second pass as the clock ticked. Sometime after I got the word that Josh had passed away, the clock stopped. Mike was going to try to wind it and get it running again one day, but I stopped him. I can't stand to hear it ticking.................then again, I want to hear it tick.

Warm sunshine on a September day, reminds me of sitting at the grave site with the sun beating down on us. It was hot the day we put my son's ashes in the ground.

Apples will be ready soon and I will be canning apple sauce. Somehow last year I made it through several bushels of apples after Josh died. I am not sure how. I don't really even remember it. Josh loved apples. Even as a young child, a baby really, he would ask for an apple before asking for anything else. We have a video of him eating an apple (he was probably two) and then feeding the dog a bite before he took another.

I heard a noise the other day. It sounded like someone was in Josh's old room. I had to go in there and look around. I never go in there. Mikey had it after Josh and there is nothing left of Josh's in that room. When I went in, it smelled like Josh had been in there. How I wished that he were there! I had to leave the room. It hurt too badly being in there.

So many memories and so much pain. I will make it through this month. I have had so much support and love from so many people, near and far, those whom I have met and many I have never met. I am thankful for all of you.

Originally posted September 10, 2009