Mid Month Ramblings

I knew this would be a hard day. It always is. You know............the day before the monthly anniversary of Josh's death. Try as I might I still can't ignore it. It's there looming in the back of my mind always creating a darkness over those days in the middle of the month until I finally reach the 16th. Funny thing is, the 16th brings tremendous amounts of sadness but also brings a sense of relief. I've made it through one more month. Tomorrow will mark the 17th month anniversary of Josh's death. In case you think I am obssesive about the date, I might point out that I know of those who have lost loved ones who count the days...........not months, not years but days. They know exactly how many days it has been since their loved one died.

I do feel a great sense of relief at having separated my two blogs and feeling like I can come to this blog and share my feelings. It's funny that I felt so stifled on the other blog because I did not want folks to think that I was constantly down but also needed an outlet to express how I am feeling. Grief is a part of me and to deny it is to deny who I am. I don't think the sadness ever goes away but it becomes a part of who we are and somehow, I think we have to learn to make friends with it. To always be "fighting" it, avoiding it, denying it, or masking it does nothing to deal with it. I think acceptance that the grief is part of me............it is who I am..............gives me the ability to embrace the rest of my life with all the passion that I can possible muster. No longer does anything really matter in this life except those things that are of eternal importance and to me that boils down to relationships.