Grief

Fifteen months after Josh's death and I started going to a support group that is being held at our church for those who are suffering from grief. A year ago, I was not ready for such a group. Now the time is right for me to attend this group and join with others who are experiencing loss.

Grief has many similarities and many differences. Discusssing these things in a group of supportive people with a good grief counselor is a good way to work through some of the thoughts and feelings associated with the grief journey.

We are meeting every other week for six weeks. The first meeting for me was both a relief and also a struggle. It was a relief to speak of some of the things that troubled me. However, to speak of them also brought such pain that I had several days where I could do little more than try to get past those raw emotions.

At the support group, we were given a book called A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance. This book was actually produced and given out to those who were touched directly and indirectly by the shootings at Virginia Tech. Lutheran Family Services produced the book and made it available to pastors and lay people in the area after this horrible incident.

There was surplus of these books and Dr. Cynthia Long (Lasher) who is running our support group has extras that she is giving away. The book is an easy read. (On a personal note, I first met Cynthia a couple of years ago when she contacted me about coordinating the purchase of a puppy for a relative who had recently lost his wife. The gentleman ended up buying two pups from me from two separate litters.)

The book points out that suffering grief does not just come from losing a loved one. One can suffer from grief anytime there is a significant loss in life. This would experiencing the empty nest syndrome when young adult children leave home, losing a job, divorce, dealing with a life threatening illness in a child or other family member.............basically anything that "robs" us of what we consider "normal".

The book says: Grief has no rules. Not everyone will respond the same way.

The following are some ways that one might respond to grief:

shock, numbness, disbelief, tears, life takes on an unreal quality almost like a fog has descended, anger, irritability and a sense of helplessness, sadness, depression, mood swings, anxious, fearful, lonely, vulnerable, feeling like you might be crazy, sometimes a feeling of relief and then feeling guilty for those feelings of relief.

There are also physical sensations in response to grief:

"When we are stressed, our nervous system automatically produces chemicals, One is called adrenaline. The release of this chemical and others in our body cuases the feeling of breathlessness with frequent sighing. Other sensations include tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, palpitations, cold clammy hands, dry mouth and headaches.

As the stress continues, our bodies try to adapt by relasing even more chemicals. The relase of these chemicals helps explain a rise in blood pressure, shortness of breath, feelings of dizziness, a change in appetite, nausea and feelings of anxiousness or excitability.

Other symptoms including fatigue, lack of energy and lack of motiviation can also be biochemically based. There are also changes in our immune system which leave us more susceptible to infections or disease.

These symptoms are all based on the fact that our body is trying to react and respond to a painful situation. We can do things to try and help our body, but to try to stop the reaction would be like eating a sandwich and telling your stomach not to digest it." (from page 11)


In addition there are thought pattern disturbances including the inability to concentrate, forgetfullness, inability to manage time and a preoccupation with the loss.

Behavioral changes might include sleep disturbance, sleeping all the time, need for social contact or need to withdraw, need to be held and hugged or need to be left alone, gathering pictures and memorabilia or locking them all away out of sight. These behaviors are individual and are neither right or wrong.

From page 13 in the book:

"Grief is not dictated by rules or absolutes. Just as each of us is our own unique person, our grief also is uniquely our own. Not better. Not worse. Just ours."