How Hard Can It Be?

How hard can it be to simply pick up the phone and order alter flowers for the Sunday before the anniversary of Josh's death? I have avoided making the call for days. While wanting to provide the flowers, I guess I don't want to face what they mean.

It reminds me of the day we put his ashes in the ground. I sat and listened at the grave side to the pastor speak words of comfort. Then, when the service was over, I could not get up. To get up would be to have to acknowledge that he was gone. I sat there for a long time with tears streaming down my face. Mike tried to get me to get up. I couldn't. I remember my grandmother coming over and in her gentle, strong way encouraging me to get up. I still could not do it. Mike came back again and put his arms around me. I remember him saying, "Your grandma knows how you feel." I remember shaking my head "yes" and getting up.

My grandmother knew because on September 19th, 1974 she lost her only child, my mother, in a horse riding accident. My grandmother's strength and absolute faith in God has been an inspiration to me throughout the years.

September will be a hard month for us.

Originally posted September 4, 2009