I am angry

I am so angry right now.

I feel that under the circumstances, I have been doing very well. I feel that I have tried to be honest and open about my grief as I journey through this. I feel that most days are pretty good, but that I have some bad days. This week, I had some really bad days. I got really down on Sunday. There were a number of things that triggered it. One was that I was emotionally and physcially exhausted from trying to save the lives of two of my cows. I thought they were going to die. They are so important to me and have given me a focus since Josh's death. When I thought they were going to die, it was so devestating.

Then, there was going to be a memorial service at church for a young man that hung himself. I was devestated to hear of this loss and it brought up so many painful things for me.

Then this week, Jake went back to court and that always brings a wave of emotion to me.

And, it also seems that as the days grow closer to the 16th of every month, I struggle more.


When I need for people to be understanding and just let me have a bad day or a bad week.................they have come to the point now where they just want me to move on.

Someone I love very much called me yesterday and told me that I need to move on with my life.


I want to scream at them.....................I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I AM HAPPY AND ENJOYING LIFE WHEN I AM SO FILLED WITH PAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE EVERY DAY WITH THE FACT THAT MY LIFE IS A FAILURE.

All I ever dreamed of was being married, having beautiful children, giving them the very best home possible, and seeing them grow up happy and productive. I HAVE FAILED AND FAILED AND FAILED AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE FAILURE. MY SON IS GONE. THER IS NO MAKING IT RIGHT.

I am suppose to just move on from all of this and be happy????????

Now the pretending begins just like when my mother died..................BE QUIET. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER. DON'T CRY FOR HER. DON'T MISS HER. JUST LIVE LIFE.

Only now it's Josh.

So, when they ask me how I am...............I will be fine. I will smile. I will laugh...............I will appear to be fine.

INSIDE I WILL BE DEAD. I WILL BE CRYING. I WILL BE HURTING. THE TEARS WILL FALL WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND TO HOLD ME.

THESE TEARS AND HURT AND ANGER WILL SUCK THE VERY LIFE OUT OF ME AND DESTROY ME. THE VERY ONES WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP ME BY TELLNG ME TO GET OVER IT ARE GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.

Edited: It is almost 17 months later and I have chosen to leave this post as it originally appeared. The feelings were raw and real and need to be heard so that folks understand this side of grief. I have chosen to be completely open and honest about it all. That includes posts such as these.

Grey

Grey clouds fill the sky;
It drizzles but doesn't rain.
I begin to cry,
The weather indicative of my pain

Storm, I wish it would.
I wish the winds would howl.
All this hurt I have, I wish I could
find comfort here and now.

If the rain would just begin,
and drench the earth below,
then there could be an end
and a rainbow, that I know.

Today..............I cry.

Today...............I cry.
The one who killed you goes to court.
I want you back.
I don't want this pain.
I want to hold you again.
I wish it would rain.
But it's just grey.............................

I love you baby. I love you.

Mom

Despair

I have only been able to do little more than the necessities. I am so depressed. I just can't even function. I don't know how to get past the pain. It is so overwhelming. I just want Josh to be here. I want to be able to go back and try to do something to keep this from happening. I don't know how I am suppose to find purpose and meaning in life. For so many years, I took care of my kids, worried about them, prayed for them.....................and now Josh is gone. Now what am I suppose to do?

The Shack

I read quite a bit in the book, THE SHACK yesterday. It is quite a fascinating book and I am trying to absorb as much of it as I can. It is really the only thing that has kept my attention for more than a few minutes since my son's death. The night I found out about the incident that took my son's life, while my son was still on life support, I cried out to God from the depths of my heart. I gave my son to Him..................as I had done before in life, I now did in death. I placed him in the Father's hands and let go. That is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My sorrow is not for my son who now lives with the Father in peace, but rather for myself, as I selfishly miss him and want to "hold on" to the past when I could physically touch and hold him. Every night, I hold his baby blankie in my arms and sleep with it clutched to my heart. I just miss him so, so much. That awful night, I also cried out to God and prayed for grace to never be angry at Him but to walk through this trial by His strength. I beg for his grace and mercy to hold me up. I have not been angry at God. That is not to say that it will never come, because anger is a part of the grieving process so many times. At this point, I have just been overwhelmed by sadness. The part in the book where the father sees his little girl playing with her siblings and it is just a dream to the "living" siblings is so sweet. I realize the book is just a fictional story to make us think about God and our relationship with Him, but that part of the story is just so sweet. Sometimes, I have nightmares about how my Son died and those are horrible. However, for the most part, God has given me (when I am able to sleep) sweet dreams where my son is smiling, happy, joking, interacting with me and my family. I wake up with such peace in my heart about him at those times. They may be "just dreams" but they are still given to me by God so that even though my son is gone, I can still enjoy those brief moments with him while I sleep. What a precious gift!I also at one point had to put my daughter who is 16 months older than my son, on an plane to be away for a few days after the death of my son. I was terrified to send her away and afraid that something terrible would happen to her as well. As we travelled to the airport, my husband was driving and I fell into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I dreamed that my son was boarding the plane with my daughter. He was smiling at me. I woke up crying but with the feeling that he was going with her in spirit. Do I really think he got on that plane with her? No. However, it brought me peace to know that the same God who could give me a glimpse of my smiling son getting on the plane with my daughter, was the God who would be right there with my daughter as she went away from me. I am still struggling through all of this and trying to understand and make sense of it all. I do know though, that I could have never known God's love so deeply under "normal" circumstances. This horrible circumstance of losing my son has brought me to a different place where nothing matters except my relationship to God and to the people He has put in my life. I told this to my Chiropractor, who is a Christian man, and he suggested I read The Shack. I am not finished with the book, but I can see why he recommended it. It is evident, the author is trying to get us to see that our lives are suppose to be about relationships.I covet your prayers for strength, and for clarity in my thinking during this time as I struggle with grief.May you be blessed with His love.

A long road

This is going to be a long road. The District Attorney called me from Colorado today. It is so hard dealing with all of this. I miss Josh and I just wish things were different.

I went to the cemetery. It just doesn't seem right that Josh is there. He should be calling me on the phone. He should be telling me he is coming home.

Selfish

I know that it is selfish of me, but I just want my son back. It hurts so badly!

Herbal Sleep

I took some herbs last night to calm my nerves and help me to sleep. I did sleep well and did not have nightmares. Today, I have been alone all day, so far. Alissa is gone to get her car in Missouri and Mike went to McQuay. I am doing ok. I am missing Josh, but have not been crying all day. I think about him constantly though. I am still so distracted. I have managed to milk the cows and vacuum the house and freeze lima beans. These are all normal activities that seem so difficult now. I need to get back to normal as much as possible, but it seems so wrong to do so. It seems so wrong to get back into life with Josh gone.

I love you, Josh. I can't quit thinking it in my head.....................how much I love you!

Beautiful Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

Baby Blankie

When Josh died, I got out his baby blanket and held it. I held it on the way to the memorial service and I have slept with it every night. If I wake up and can't find it, I panic until I can find it and hold it close to my heart again.

Nightmares

Yesterday was as close to normal as I have been since Josh died. Last night was a nightmare.........literally. I dreamed horrible dreams and could not sleep. It was awful. It was only the second night I have tried to sleep without Tylenol PM to help me get some rest.

Flowers

I went to the cemetery. The flowers we had placed on Josh's grave were already dead. They were beautiful for only a short while, and then they were gone. I guess it would be more practicle to put artificial flowers on the grave, but the weather is too nice. I want real flowers on Josh's grave. Josh bloomed for such a short time, and then like the flowers, he is gone. I miss you, Josh. I can't believe your gone from my life. I love you.

Grocery Shopping

I went out with Mike today to run errands. Mostly, I sat in the truck. Mike stopped to talk to someone about some buildings and I could not engage myself to be part of the conversation. I could focus for a minute, but then I was distracted. The last stop we made was the grocery store. How I dreaded going in the grocery store. Josh worked in Food Lion for over a year and when I go in there, I think of him. I saw the people he works with casting sympathetic glances my way. I tried to look away and move on quickly. When I passed someone in an isle, I averted my glance. I quickly got what I needed as panic filled my heart. I had to get out of there. Back in the truck, I began to cry. How I miss my son! How I would have loved to see his tall frame bent over stocking shelves in the grocery store! I just want to hide away at home, away from the public where I can grieve! How can the world go on? It makes no sense. Yet, it DOES go on.

How do I eat?

I am hungry, but when I try to eat, nothing seems right. I can't make a decision on what to eat. When I do eat something, I quickly lose my appetite. I eat sweets and chips. I have never been a sweet eater and now that is all I want to eat. Someone told me it is "comfort" food. It doesn't seem very comforting. It doesn't seem like "me" at all.

Struggles with the Day to Day

I can't function. The simplist tasks seem so hard. I just can't seem to get done the things I need to do. I have good intentions, but I find myself distant and distracted. I muddle through some things all the while thinking about Josh. I just don't know how life can ever be the same again. That's because it never can be the same again. I will have to find a new kind of "normal".

Dreams

I dreamed of Josh. I was riding in the car and fell asleep and I dreamed of his smile, the way he walked, his tall frame, and his forgetfullness for important details. He looked happy. I cried when I woke up.

Angels

This day was almost unbearable. My very soul cried out for relief from the pain. The pain did not lesson, but along the way, God sent Angels to help lift me up. An angel from Alaska called and made me laugh with a fun song about heaven. An angel from New York encouraged me to write and I began to journal my feelings in this blog. An angel in the form of my mother in law came and sat with me for part of the afternoon. Teenage and young adult angels filled my home with laughter for a while. My angel husband held me and let me cry. My angel daughter wrote me sweet notes and told me she loved me. Angels came in the form of my dogs and cows. A sweet, sweet angel called from Colorado who knew my son and gave me messages from Heaven. An angel in Nebraska was looking out for my health. The angels continue to minister, to reach out to me, to love me...............................I am not alone.

Disconnected Connections

Each thought seems disconnected, foreign, jumbled up inside my head. The thoughts come slowly at times, and then quickly. They are like pieces of a puzzle that are all mixed up, some of them turned over, other's spilling onto the floor and I must make an effort to pick them up. I am trying to arrange them...............trying to sort them out by shape and color, and put the one's with an edge in a seperate pile. I can't deal with the edges right now. Perhaps I will save the one's with edges for last. Or maybe, I will find the corner pieces and use them as a starting point. Someday I will be able to stop sorting, and start fitting all the pieces together. Then the picture will become clear, and front and center will be my heart.

My heart

My heart seemed to die with my sons. Everything was like a fog and my heart beat so slowly. Today my heart is racing. Panic. Fear. More Panic. How can life go on? How can things be the same? How am I suppose to eat, sleep...............how am I suppose to breathe? The day to day must continue. There are meals to prepare, laudry to wash, house to clean, animals to tend to...........but how am I suppose to have the presence of mind to remember how to do those things. I start something and walk away. I go back and try to continue. I can't. I come back again and again and inch by inch, complete a task that should only take me minutes. My chest feels tight. My shoulders and back hurt. My thoughts race. I panic thinking the panic won't go away and that brings more panic.

My Journey Through Grief

I have started this blog to chronicle journey through grief. The word "through" is key here, because I believe that I will make it through to the other side of this most un-natural valley in which I am travelling and will be a better person because of all I have learned along the way. It is my desire to put words to my feelings and my thoughts and somehow make sense of the jumble that is in my head right now. I hope this will help me now as I make this journey, but that it will also help other's who must travel their own road of grief. Each road of grief is unique and must be travelled ultimately alone, for no one can suffer for the individual who has lost, but rather that individual must find their own way, with God's help, to the other side. The support of those who love and care, sustain the individual on that journey, but they must face it alone.