Despair

I have only been able to do little more than the necessities. I am so depressed. I just can't even function. I don't know how to get past the pain. It is so overwhelming. I just want Josh to be here. I want to be able to go back and try to do something to keep this from happening. I don't know how I am suppose to find purpose and meaning in life. For so many years, I took care of my kids, worried about them, prayed for them.....................and now Josh is gone. Now what am I suppose to do?

The Shack

I read quite a bit in the book, THE SHACK yesterday. It is quite a fascinating book and I am trying to absorb as much of it as I can. It is really the only thing that has kept my attention for more than a few minutes since my son's death. The night I found out about the incident that took my son's life, while my son was still on life support, I cried out to God from the depths of my heart. I gave my son to Him..................as I had done before in life, I now did in death. I placed him in the Father's hands and let go. That is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My sorrow is not for my son who now lives with the Father in peace, but rather for myself, as I selfishly miss him and want to "hold on" to the past when I could physically touch and hold him. Every night, I hold his baby blankie in my arms and sleep with it clutched to my heart. I just miss him so, so much. That awful night, I also cried out to God and prayed for grace to never be angry at Him but to walk through this trial by His strength. I beg for his grace and mercy to hold me up. I have not been angry at God. That is not to say that it will never come, because anger is a part of the grieving process so many times. At this point, I have just been overwhelmed by sadness. The part in the book where the father sees his little girl playing with her siblings and it is just a dream to the "living" siblings is so sweet. I realize the book is just a fictional story to make us think about God and our relationship with Him, but that part of the story is just so sweet. Sometimes, I have nightmares about how my Son died and those are horrible. However, for the most part, God has given me (when I am able to sleep) sweet dreams where my son is smiling, happy, joking, interacting with me and my family. I wake up with such peace in my heart about him at those times. They may be "just dreams" but they are still given to me by God so that even though my son is gone, I can still enjoy those brief moments with him while I sleep. What a precious gift!I also at one point had to put my daughter who is 16 months older than my son, on an plane to be away for a few days after the death of my son. I was terrified to send her away and afraid that something terrible would happen to her as well. As we travelled to the airport, my husband was driving and I fell into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I dreamed that my son was boarding the plane with my daughter. He was smiling at me. I woke up crying but with the feeling that he was going with her in spirit. Do I really think he got on that plane with her? No. However, it brought me peace to know that the same God who could give me a glimpse of my smiling son getting on the plane with my daughter, was the God who would be right there with my daughter as she went away from me. I am still struggling through all of this and trying to understand and make sense of it all. I do know though, that I could have never known God's love so deeply under "normal" circumstances. This horrible circumstance of losing my son has brought me to a different place where nothing matters except my relationship to God and to the people He has put in my life. I told this to my Chiropractor, who is a Christian man, and he suggested I read The Shack. I am not finished with the book, but I can see why he recommended it. It is evident, the author is trying to get us to see that our lives are suppose to be about relationships.I covet your prayers for strength, and for clarity in my thinking during this time as I struggle with grief.May you be blessed with His love.

A long road

This is going to be a long road. The District Attorney called me from Colorado today. It is so hard dealing with all of this. I miss Josh and I just wish things were different.

I went to the cemetery. It just doesn't seem right that Josh is there. He should be calling me on the phone. He should be telling me he is coming home.

Selfish

I know that it is selfish of me, but I just want my son back. It hurts so badly!

Herbal Sleep

I took some herbs last night to calm my nerves and help me to sleep. I did sleep well and did not have nightmares. Today, I have been alone all day, so far. Alissa is gone to get her car in Missouri and Mike went to McQuay. I am doing ok. I am missing Josh, but have not been crying all day. I think about him constantly though. I am still so distracted. I have managed to milk the cows and vacuum the house and freeze lima beans. These are all normal activities that seem so difficult now. I need to get back to normal as much as possible, but it seems so wrong to do so. It seems so wrong to get back into life with Josh gone.

I love you, Josh. I can't quit thinking it in my head.....................how much I love you!

Beautiful Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

Baby Blankie

When Josh died, I got out his baby blanket and held it. I held it on the way to the memorial service and I have slept with it every night. If I wake up and can't find it, I panic until I can find it and hold it close to my heart again.

Nightmares

Yesterday was as close to normal as I have been since Josh died. Last night was a nightmare.........literally. I dreamed horrible dreams and could not sleep. It was awful. It was only the second night I have tried to sleep without Tylenol PM to help me get some rest.