Flowers

I went to the cemetery. The flowers we had placed on Josh's grave were already dead. They were beautiful for only a short while, and then they were gone. I guess it would be more practicle to put artificial flowers on the grave, but the weather is too nice. I want real flowers on Josh's grave. Josh bloomed for such a short time, and then like the flowers, he is gone. I miss you, Josh. I can't believe your gone from my life. I love you.

Grocery Shopping

I went out with Mike today to run errands. Mostly, I sat in the truck. Mike stopped to talk to someone about some buildings and I could not engage myself to be part of the conversation. I could focus for a minute, but then I was distracted. The last stop we made was the grocery store. How I dreaded going in the grocery store. Josh worked in Food Lion for over a year and when I go in there, I think of him. I saw the people he works with casting sympathetic glances my way. I tried to look away and move on quickly. When I passed someone in an isle, I averted my glance. I quickly got what I needed as panic filled my heart. I had to get out of there. Back in the truck, I began to cry. How I miss my son! How I would have loved to see his tall frame bent over stocking shelves in the grocery store! I just want to hide away at home, away from the public where I can grieve! How can the world go on? It makes no sense. Yet, it DOES go on.

How do I eat?

I am hungry, but when I try to eat, nothing seems right. I can't make a decision on what to eat. When I do eat something, I quickly lose my appetite. I eat sweets and chips. I have never been a sweet eater and now that is all I want to eat. Someone told me it is "comfort" food. It doesn't seem very comforting. It doesn't seem like "me" at all.

Struggles with the Day to Day

I can't function. The simplist tasks seem so hard. I just can't seem to get done the things I need to do. I have good intentions, but I find myself distant and distracted. I muddle through some things all the while thinking about Josh. I just don't know how life can ever be the same again. That's because it never can be the same again. I will have to find a new kind of "normal".

Dreams

I dreamed of Josh. I was riding in the car and fell asleep and I dreamed of his smile, the way he walked, his tall frame, and his forgetfullness for important details. He looked happy. I cried when I woke up.

Angels

This day was almost unbearable. My very soul cried out for relief from the pain. The pain did not lesson, but along the way, God sent Angels to help lift me up. An angel from Alaska called and made me laugh with a fun song about heaven. An angel from New York encouraged me to write and I began to journal my feelings in this blog. An angel in the form of my mother in law came and sat with me for part of the afternoon. Teenage and young adult angels filled my home with laughter for a while. My angel husband held me and let me cry. My angel daughter wrote me sweet notes and told me she loved me. Angels came in the form of my dogs and cows. A sweet, sweet angel called from Colorado who knew my son and gave me messages from Heaven. An angel in Nebraska was looking out for my health. The angels continue to minister, to reach out to me, to love me...............................I am not alone.

Disconnected Connections

Each thought seems disconnected, foreign, jumbled up inside my head. The thoughts come slowly at times, and then quickly. They are like pieces of a puzzle that are all mixed up, some of them turned over, other's spilling onto the floor and I must make an effort to pick them up. I am trying to arrange them...............trying to sort them out by shape and color, and put the one's with an edge in a seperate pile. I can't deal with the edges right now. Perhaps I will save the one's with edges for last. Or maybe, I will find the corner pieces and use them as a starting point. Someday I will be able to stop sorting, and start fitting all the pieces together. Then the picture will become clear, and front and center will be my heart.

My heart

My heart seemed to die with my sons. Everything was like a fog and my heart beat so slowly. Today my heart is racing. Panic. Fear. More Panic. How can life go on? How can things be the same? How am I suppose to eat, sleep...............how am I suppose to breathe? The day to day must continue. There are meals to prepare, laudry to wash, house to clean, animals to tend to...........but how am I suppose to have the presence of mind to remember how to do those things. I start something and walk away. I go back and try to continue. I can't. I come back again and again and inch by inch, complete a task that should only take me minutes. My chest feels tight. My shoulders and back hurt. My thoughts race. I panic thinking the panic won't go away and that brings more panic.

My Journey Through Grief

I have started this blog to chronicle journey through grief. The word "through" is key here, because I believe that I will make it through to the other side of this most un-natural valley in which I am travelling and will be a better person because of all I have learned along the way. It is my desire to put words to my feelings and my thoughts and somehow make sense of the jumble that is in my head right now. I hope this will help me now as I make this journey, but that it will also help other's who must travel their own road of grief. Each road of grief is unique and must be travelled ultimately alone, for no one can suffer for the individual who has lost, but rather that individual must find their own way, with God's help, to the other side. The support of those who love and care, sustain the individual on that journey, but they must face it alone.