Reflections

For the first year after Josh's death and beyond, I could do little else but dwell on my grief and reflect on the pain that I carried with me every second of every day. I spent time remembering both the good and bad. I had to be analytical about every emotion and had to disect my memories hoping that I would never forget a single thought or action of my life with Josh or even of the grief I was feeling after he left this world.

At some point, I began to spiral down to the point where I felt that I just could not go on. I knew I somehow had to go on, but I wasn't sure how to do that. Life was moving by me at lightening speed and I was sitting still in my grief, not knowing how to move forward.

I began to claw my way upward, grasping at anything that would help me focus on living rather than just existing in my pain. Then, the farm took over and my life became so filled with the obligations of tending to all the newly freshened cows, the new calves, the first time mother goats and their kids, and the demands that processing all the extra milk and keeping up with my share program presented. Now, for months, I have had no time to spend in reflection and my days are spent working myself to exhaustion. In the midst, I find myself embracing the new life around me, while at the same time carrying that grief deep inside me but not giving the grief the reflection or putting to "pen and paper" my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the grief wells up within me, spilling out in bitter tears, wracking sobs, and even screams of anguish. Sometimes the grief leaves me feeling isolated. Sometimes the grief makes me feel tired and without hope. It's always with me. I can work to the point of exhaustion but the grief is still there.