Recently, I have found myself less and less willing to post about my grief journey. I am not sure exactly why. The pain is still there just as intensely. As someone said to me, "The pain does not go away, but we get stronger and more able to deal with it." I still cry when I least at expect it.....................and when I do expect it. I still can't figure out how I am suppose to get through life without the child to whom I gave birth. However, I know that each day I will find the strength I need from the One who never leaves or forsakes us. I know that I will complete this journey some day and see Joshua again.
Perhaps, we finally get to a point in our grief where we realize that the rest of the world is ready for us to "move on" because our pain is beginning to make them feel uncomfortable. That's ok. Perhaps that is what gives us the ability to grasp the reality of what our life has become and make the best of it. Joshua is never out of my thoughts and always in my heart. I am just learning to talk about him without crying (so much) in public and I save the tears for when I am alone.
The grief support group has been a big help to me. In our small group, it's ok to let those tears out and to talk about all of the emotions associated with our grief. Most recently we talked about anger associated with grief. I didn't want to address the anger because I have worked very hard to not be angry and to be forgiving and loving to those I needed to show grace.
For that one night I faced the anger I didn't even realize I had, and expressed it verbally. I have never been angry at God. I know that He is a God of love and that He does not inflict evil upon His children. Rather, I believe evil is a result of this fallen world in which we live. I, however, do have anger towards those folks responsible directly and indirectly for my son's death but was unable to admit that to myself until recently. Even though I pray for them and want them to find direction in their lives and become better people, I have anger over what they did to my precious son.
I will admit, when asked to share what I was angry about, I thought it was a bunch of "hog wash" because what was that going to do? It wasn't going to change anything. But much to my surprise, it did change something. It changed me. It took that place where all that ugliness has been brewing in my heart and cleaned it out. Then I had a choice. I could let all that ugliness slowly seep back in, or, I could fill it with something good. By being able to express the pain in detail, in person and find support and acceptance within the group it left a place in my heart that I could fill with happiness and laughter once again.
Those feelings of anger and disappointment will return. I will have to deal with them again. It's part of life. In the mean time, I am truly learning to live more in spite of my grief. My life is becoming more productive again and my thought process more clear. I don't believe I will ever be the same as I was before Joshua died. How could I? But just as someone who loses the capability to walk and has to learn again step by step, I am learning slowly how to live again. It is a long, painful journey but I know that Joshua would want me to make the best of it. I know that he would want me to be happy. I find myself more sensitive to the things that he was sensitive to and try to honor him in that way. He loved family, peace, animals and gave sacrificially to others who were in need. I find myself drawn to those ideals even more than I ever was, knowing that by promoting them, a part of Josh lives on through me. I hope that when this life is over that this grief journey has made me a better person and that I have truly earned that smile that awaits me in Heaven both from my Heavenly Father and from my precious son.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Saturday, February 13, 2010
More Homework
That grief support group I mentioned...............it meets tomorrow.
Every other Tuesday, we get together and talk. There are seven of us in the group plus the counsellor. Sometimes there are fewer because someone in the group has other obligations or someone just doesn't feel like coming. We all understand when someone just doesn't feel like coming.
We have homework this week. I put it off to the last minute. I have had two weeks to do the homework, but have put it off, and tomorrow is the big day.
Seems we are suppose to write out what we are angry about. "Oh, we are not angry" we all proclaim. It's not right to be angry even when it's associated with grief and loss, right? So, our wise counsellor says, "Well, write about the things are are disappointed about." Ah, we all can write about that. We all have disappointments associated with our grief, right?
So, I began writing. Bringing up all those negative emotions and putting them down on paper is exhausting. Not sure how it's all going to turn out because I am too tired to finish it tonight. I will have to find time to finish it tomorrow.
Grieving is such hard work.
Every other Tuesday, we get together and talk. There are seven of us in the group plus the counsellor. Sometimes there are fewer because someone in the group has other obligations or someone just doesn't feel like coming. We all understand when someone just doesn't feel like coming.
We have homework this week. I put it off to the last minute. I have had two weeks to do the homework, but have put it off, and tomorrow is the big day.
Seems we are suppose to write out what we are angry about. "Oh, we are not angry" we all proclaim. It's not right to be angry even when it's associated with grief and loss, right? So, our wise counsellor says, "Well, write about the things are are disappointed about." Ah, we all can write about that. We all have disappointments associated with our grief, right?
So, I began writing. Bringing up all those negative emotions and putting them down on paper is exhausting. Not sure how it's all going to turn out because I am too tired to finish it tonight. I will have to find time to finish it tomorrow.
Grieving is such hard work.
Homework
At our grief support group last week we were suppose to take home a picture of a flower and on each of the petals write something that we lost when we lost our loved ones.
I remember getting the paper but don't have a clue what happened to it and never thought of it again. I really struggle with remembering and concentration issues.
So Cynthia, the counselor, passed the paper out to me again this week.
I just sat down and started it but when I looked at it and the instructions were to write down what we lost on each petal my first thought was to just put down "Everything".
But, the second paper she gave us this week was another flower and we were to write on it what we have left. So, I did that one first because it's easier for me to focus on the good.
Here is what I wrote:
God/Faith
Alissa
Mike
Mikey and Kristin
Family
Friends
Memories
My animals
Writing, journaling, blogging
Nature's beauty
Love
I am sure I can think of many more but those were the ones that just popped into my head as I began this assignment.
I remember getting the paper but don't have a clue what happened to it and never thought of it again. I really struggle with remembering and concentration issues.
So Cynthia, the counselor, passed the paper out to me again this week.
I just sat down and started it but when I looked at it and the instructions were to write down what we lost on each petal my first thought was to just put down "Everything".
But, the second paper she gave us this week was another flower and we were to write on it what we have left. So, I did that one first because it's easier for me to focus on the good.
Here is what I wrote:
God/Faith
Alissa
Mike
Mikey and Kristin
Family
Friends
Memories
My animals
Writing, journaling, blogging
Nature's beauty
Love
I am sure I can think of many more but those were the ones that just popped into my head as I began this assignment.
Healing From Loss
Taken from the book A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance:
"There is no straight line of healing from loss. In fact, there are multiple routes, including dead ends and blind spots. There are detours that cause us to change direction, often leaving us feeling lost and confused. Some potential detours can take us through shock, denial, and disbelief. Others may draw us into paths of anger, depression and despair." (Page 16)
How to Heal includes:
* Having the Experience. This is the entry point.
* Owning the Experience as a loss. This means not denying it, pretending it doesn't hurt, or minimizing it's importance.
* Willingness and readiness to walk the path of healing. The timing of healing is an individual thing.
* Hurting. There is no quick fix and no path that allows us to avoid the pain. We must face the pain and experience it.
* Expressing and not repressing the hurt. That means finding a support system or a friend who is willing to let us experience and share our feelings.
* Assessing and reevaluating ourselves and the situation. It may seem to delay our progress, but it's a necessary part of healing. Early grief it feels like we will never survive long enough to find the end of the maze.
* Learning to live with a redefinition of self. This final step requires finding ways to reinvest our emotional energy, rather han having all of our energy stuck in re-experiencing the loss. This takes place slowly over time. Expect set backs.
"There is no straight line of healing from loss. In fact, there are multiple routes, including dead ends and blind spots. There are detours that cause us to change direction, often leaving us feeling lost and confused. Some potential detours can take us through shock, denial, and disbelief. Others may draw us into paths of anger, depression and despair." (Page 16)
How to Heal includes:
* Having the Experience. This is the entry point.
* Owning the Experience as a loss. This means not denying it, pretending it doesn't hurt, or minimizing it's importance.
* Willingness and readiness to walk the path of healing. The timing of healing is an individual thing.
* Hurting. There is no quick fix and no path that allows us to avoid the pain. We must face the pain and experience it.
* Expressing and not repressing the hurt. That means finding a support system or a friend who is willing to let us experience and share our feelings.
* Assessing and reevaluating ourselves and the situation. It may seem to delay our progress, but it's a necessary part of healing. Early grief it feels like we will never survive long enough to find the end of the maze.
* Learning to live with a redefinition of self. This final step requires finding ways to reinvest our emotional energy, rather han having all of our energy stuck in re-experiencing the loss. This takes place slowly over time. Expect set backs.
How Long Does Grief Last?
In the previous post, I wrote about the book A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance and the grief support group that I started attending.
I wanted to follow up with a couple additional informational posts derived from the book.
One section of the book discusses the length of grief and how long one can expect the process to take.
As the book states on page 14:
Grief takes as long as it takes.
"Numbness is a gift, but as the numbness wears off - usually six to eight weeks after the loss - we really begin feeling the depth of the pain and the loneliness. The irony is that by that time, most of our friends have gone back to their own routine. It is then when we begin searching for the next yard-mark of hope."
The book goes on to discuss that the first year is basically surviving all the "firsts". Those of you who have followed along with me on this blog as I have travelled this road, know that each of the firsts have been especially hard for me. The first Thanksgiving, The first Christmas, The first Birthday, etc.
The books says, "Again and again we are faced wit yet another first. Maybe that's one of the reasons the first year is so hard. But the second year is hard too; not as hard, but the pain doesn't vanish on day 366. It's almost as if you have to get through the first year of pain before the healing can begin." (Page 14)
Then there are the anniversaries. As you know, for me, the anniversaries are very difficult. I still find myself shutting down every month in the middle of the month when I approach the 14th (the day that Josh was injured) and the 16th, the day that he died. I try to not think about it but actually ignoring it makes it worse for me. When I acknowledge the source of my pain, I am better able to deal with those days.
Also from the book (page 14):
"Healing becomes more about learning to incorporate the grief into our lives. Life begins to return to a new "normal". Many people say the scar becomes painful and visible around the anniversary time. Don't be surprised by anniversary reactions...................honor the experience, be gentle with yourself. You may feel like you are losing it or ashamed. Remember, anyone who has experienced a major loss has been there."
I wanted to follow up with a couple additional informational posts derived from the book.
One section of the book discusses the length of grief and how long one can expect the process to take.
As the book states on page 14:
Grief takes as long as it takes.
"Numbness is a gift, but as the numbness wears off - usually six to eight weeks after the loss - we really begin feeling the depth of the pain and the loneliness. The irony is that by that time, most of our friends have gone back to their own routine. It is then when we begin searching for the next yard-mark of hope."
The book goes on to discuss that the first year is basically surviving all the "firsts". Those of you who have followed along with me on this blog as I have travelled this road, know that each of the firsts have been especially hard for me. The first Thanksgiving, The first Christmas, The first Birthday, etc.
The books says, "Again and again we are faced wit yet another first. Maybe that's one of the reasons the first year is so hard. But the second year is hard too; not as hard, but the pain doesn't vanish on day 366. It's almost as if you have to get through the first year of pain before the healing can begin." (Page 14)
Then there are the anniversaries. As you know, for me, the anniversaries are very difficult. I still find myself shutting down every month in the middle of the month when I approach the 14th (the day that Josh was injured) and the 16th, the day that he died. I try to not think about it but actually ignoring it makes it worse for me. When I acknowledge the source of my pain, I am better able to deal with those days.
Also from the book (page 14):
"Healing becomes more about learning to incorporate the grief into our lives. Life begins to return to a new "normal". Many people say the scar becomes painful and visible around the anniversary time. Don't be surprised by anniversary reactions...................honor the experience, be gentle with yourself. You may feel like you are losing it or ashamed. Remember, anyone who has experienced a major loss has been there."
Grief
Fifteen months after Josh's death and I started going to a support group that is being held at our church for those who are suffering from grief. A year ago, I was not ready for such a group. Now the time is right for me to attend this group and join with others who are experiencing loss.
Grief has many similarities and many differences. Discusssing these things in a group of supportive people with a good grief counselor is a good way to work through some of the thoughts and feelings associated with the grief journey.
We are meeting every other week for six weeks. The first meeting for me was both a relief and also a struggle. It was a relief to speak of some of the things that troubled me. However, to speak of them also brought such pain that I had several days where I could do little more than try to get past those raw emotions.
At the support group, we were given a book called A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance. This book was actually produced and given out to those who were touched directly and indirectly by the shootings at Virginia Tech. Lutheran Family Services produced the book and made it available to pastors and lay people in the area after this horrible incident.
There was surplus of these books and Dr. Cynthia Long (Lasher) who is running our support group has extras that she is giving away. The book is an easy read. (On a personal note, I first met Cynthia a couple of years ago when she contacted me about coordinating the purchase of a puppy for a relative who had recently lost his wife. The gentleman ended up buying two pups from me from two separate litters.)
The book points out that suffering grief does not just come from losing a loved one. One can suffer from grief anytime there is a significant loss in life. This would experiencing the empty nest syndrome when young adult children leave home, losing a job, divorce, dealing with a life threatening illness in a child or other family member.............basically anything that "robs" us of what we consider "normal".
The book says: Grief has no rules. Not everyone will respond the same way.
The following are some ways that one might respond to grief:
shock, numbness, disbelief, tears, life takes on an unreal quality almost like a fog has descended, anger, irritability and a sense of helplessness, sadness, depression, mood swings, anxious, fearful, lonely, vulnerable, feeling like you might be crazy, sometimes a feeling of relief and then feeling guilty for those feelings of relief.
There are also physical sensations in response to grief:
"When we are stressed, our nervous system automatically produces chemicals, One is called adrenaline. The release of this chemical and others in our body cuases the feeling of breathlessness with frequent sighing. Other sensations include tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, palpitations, cold clammy hands, dry mouth and headaches.
As the stress continues, our bodies try to adapt by relasing even more chemicals. The relase of these chemicals helps explain a rise in blood pressure, shortness of breath, feelings of dizziness, a change in appetite, nausea and feelings of anxiousness or excitability.
Other symptoms including fatigue, lack of energy and lack of motiviation can also be biochemically based. There are also changes in our immune system which leave us more susceptible to infections or disease.
These symptoms are all based on the fact that our body is trying to react and respond to a painful situation. We can do things to try and help our body, but to try to stop the reaction would be like eating a sandwich and telling your stomach not to digest it." (from page 11)
In addition there are thought pattern disturbances including the inability to concentrate, forgetfullness, inability to manage time and a preoccupation with the loss.
Behavioral changes might include sleep disturbance, sleeping all the time, need for social contact or need to withdraw, need to be held and hugged or need to be left alone, gathering pictures and memorabilia or locking them all away out of sight. These behaviors are individual and are neither right or wrong.
From page 13 in the book:
"Grief is not dictated by rules or absolutes. Just as each of us is our own unique person, our grief also is uniquely our own. Not better. Not worse. Just ours."
Grief has many similarities and many differences. Discusssing these things in a group of supportive people with a good grief counselor is a good way to work through some of the thoughts and feelings associated with the grief journey.
We are meeting every other week for six weeks. The first meeting for me was both a relief and also a struggle. It was a relief to speak of some of the things that troubled me. However, to speak of them also brought such pain that I had several days where I could do little more than try to get past those raw emotions.
At the support group, we were given a book called A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance. This book was actually produced and given out to those who were touched directly and indirectly by the shootings at Virginia Tech. Lutheran Family Services produced the book and made it available to pastors and lay people in the area after this horrible incident.
There was surplus of these books and Dr. Cynthia Long (Lasher) who is running our support group has extras that she is giving away. The book is an easy read. (On a personal note, I first met Cynthia a couple of years ago when she contacted me about coordinating the purchase of a puppy for a relative who had recently lost his wife. The gentleman ended up buying two pups from me from two separate litters.)
The book points out that suffering grief does not just come from losing a loved one. One can suffer from grief anytime there is a significant loss in life. This would experiencing the empty nest syndrome when young adult children leave home, losing a job, divorce, dealing with a life threatening illness in a child or other family member.............basically anything that "robs" us of what we consider "normal".
The book says: Grief has no rules. Not everyone will respond the same way.
The following are some ways that one might respond to grief:
shock, numbness, disbelief, tears, life takes on an unreal quality almost like a fog has descended, anger, irritability and a sense of helplessness, sadness, depression, mood swings, anxious, fearful, lonely, vulnerable, feeling like you might be crazy, sometimes a feeling of relief and then feeling guilty for those feelings of relief.
There are also physical sensations in response to grief:
"When we are stressed, our nervous system automatically produces chemicals, One is called adrenaline. The release of this chemical and others in our body cuases the feeling of breathlessness with frequent sighing. Other sensations include tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, palpitations, cold clammy hands, dry mouth and headaches.
As the stress continues, our bodies try to adapt by relasing even more chemicals. The relase of these chemicals helps explain a rise in blood pressure, shortness of breath, feelings of dizziness, a change in appetite, nausea and feelings of anxiousness or excitability.
Other symptoms including fatigue, lack of energy and lack of motiviation can also be biochemically based. There are also changes in our immune system which leave us more susceptible to infections or disease.
These symptoms are all based on the fact that our body is trying to react and respond to a painful situation. We can do things to try and help our body, but to try to stop the reaction would be like eating a sandwich and telling your stomach not to digest it." (from page 11)
In addition there are thought pattern disturbances including the inability to concentrate, forgetfullness, inability to manage time and a preoccupation with the loss.
Behavioral changes might include sleep disturbance, sleeping all the time, need for social contact or need to withdraw, need to be held and hugged or need to be left alone, gathering pictures and memorabilia or locking them all away out of sight. These behaviors are individual and are neither right or wrong.
From page 13 in the book:
"Grief is not dictated by rules or absolutes. Just as each of us is our own unique person, our grief also is uniquely our own. Not better. Not worse. Just ours."
Sacred Tears
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving
An Angel's Kiss
Last night, I was so sad. I was cleaning out some drawers and the pictures, cards, and things I found reminded me of Josh. I wanted to scream but all I could do was cry.
It's that time of the month again when all those feelings come to the surface.
Today marks the second month since Angela's death and 15 months since the night I found out about Josh. (He actually passed away on the 16th.)
Yesterday, Angela's mom went with me to the cemetery to put flowers on both Angela and Josh's graves. The flowers were beautiful. Josh's Grandma Kay made them. They are Christmas arrangements.
Last night as I slept, I felt something brush my cheek. The softest kiss that felt like butterfly wings or the brush of an angel. Then I realized it was Angela. She smiled at me like she always did after giving me a kiss on the cheek. I smiled back.
Just a dream? Yes. A beautiful, beautiful dream. Just for a second, I felt her kiss. What a beautiful gift.
Originally posted December 14, 2009
It's that time of the month again when all those feelings come to the surface.
Today marks the second month since Angela's death and 15 months since the night I found out about Josh. (He actually passed away on the 16th.)
Yesterday, Angela's mom went with me to the cemetery to put flowers on both Angela and Josh's graves. The flowers were beautiful. Josh's Grandma Kay made them. They are Christmas arrangements.
Last night as I slept, I felt something brush my cheek. The softest kiss that felt like butterfly wings or the brush of an angel. Then I realized it was Angela. She smiled at me like she always did after giving me a kiss on the cheek. I smiled back.
Just a dream? Yes. A beautiful, beautiful dream. Just for a second, I felt her kiss. What a beautiful gift.
Originally posted December 14, 2009
Photographs
Photographs, like memories, bring sadness as well as joy. How can it be that the very things that bring such comfort also cause so much pain? To love so deeply and not be able to reach out and hold the one you love so much, is torture. Yet, had I known, still I would have gladly chosen the pain over not having ever had the chance to love that child so completely.
Originally posted December 13, 2009
Originally posted December 13, 2009
Memorials
The Holidays can be a difficult time for those who have lost loved ones. If you know of someone who has lost a loved one, be sure to let them know that you are thinking about them and that you REMEMBER the loved one who has passed on.
I know it can be hard to bring these things up to folks, but overwhelmingly, most folks who have lost a loved one want you to remember and want you to let them know that you remember the person they have lost. They may cry when you bring it up, but that's ok. They are going to cry regardless of whether you bring it up or not and the tears that come when someone remembers are healing tears.
To all of those who have lost loved ones and especially to those whose grief is fresh, I want you to know that I am thinking about you and that I am wishing you Peace that passes all understanding.
Find a way to make memorials to your loved ones..............write about them in a blog, make a memory book, write a story about them, make a piece of jewelry to commemorate their life, paint a picture, plant a tree..................do anything that helps you to put action to your grief.
My sister-in-law sent me a link to a web site online through Life Net that has an online quilt and folks can make memory squares in honor of their loved ones. Both Angela and Joshua were donors (Angela was able to donate her organs and Joshua was able to donate tissue)and I have made squares for them. However, the memorial is open to anyone to make a memorial regardless of whether the person that has passed was a donor or not. I thought maybe some of you might find this site helpful.
All my love ,
Tammy
https://secure.healingthespirit.org/onlinequilt/index.php
Originally published November 23, 2009
I know it can be hard to bring these things up to folks, but overwhelmingly, most folks who have lost a loved one want you to remember and want you to let them know that you remember the person they have lost. They may cry when you bring it up, but that's ok. They are going to cry regardless of whether you bring it up or not and the tears that come when someone remembers are healing tears.
To all of those who have lost loved ones and especially to those whose grief is fresh, I want you to know that I am thinking about you and that I am wishing you Peace that passes all understanding.
Find a way to make memorials to your loved ones..............write about them in a blog, make a memory book, write a story about them, make a piece of jewelry to commemorate their life, paint a picture, plant a tree..................do anything that helps you to put action to your grief.
My sister-in-law sent me a link to a web site online through Life Net that has an online quilt and folks can make memory squares in honor of their loved ones. Both Angela and Joshua were donors (Angela was able to donate her organs and Joshua was able to donate tissue)and I have made squares for them. However, the memorial is open to anyone to make a memorial regardless of whether the person that has passed was a donor or not. I thought maybe some of you might find this site helpful.
All my love ,
Tammy
https://secure.healingthespirit.org/onlinequilt/index.php
Originally published November 23, 2009
Painful Anniversaries
The last two days we have had grey skies and my heart has been blue. Today it is raining. It's strange but my subconscious tells my body before my body tells my brain that the middle of the month is coming and another anniversary has come upon us. Couldn't figure out why I was fighting the blues so bad until last night when I finished reading the Bible and glanced at Josh's guitar that sits in the corner by my bed. For an instant, I had a vision of him with arms wide open welcoming me into heaven. He was smiling and I went running to him but then the vision was gone. I cried and realized that we are once again approaching the monthly anniversary of his death on the 16th. It will be fourteen months since his death. That will, of course, be preceeded two days prior, on the 14th with the one month anniversary of Angela's death. These "anniversaries" are so hard because although I try not to dwell on them, they are there in my subconscious and I find that I actually do better to acknowledge and deal with them rather than to try to push them aside. What would I do without the love of the Father and His strong and loving arms that hold me each day?
Originally published November 11, 2009
Originally published November 11, 2009
Christmas Cactus
My Christmas Cactus has bloomed twice a year, every year since my grandmother gave it to me, until last year. Josh passed away in September and when November and December came around, the plant did not bloom. Six months later, the plant still did not bloom. This year, my Christmas Cactus has started to bloom again. It's the little things that bring hope and joy.
Originally posted Nov. 9, 2009
Originally posted Nov. 9, 2009
Simple Joys
Angela Kania
Advanced Comp
This I Believe Essay
I believe in the power of simple joys.
A few months ago, I was experiencing a difficult time in my life. All around me, the world seemed to be crumbling under my feet. My eighteen-year-old cousin was shot and killed; then a week later my great uncle passed away. My entire family walked around in a dark stupor, fighting to understand and accept the horror of such tragedy. I screamed at the injustice of my cousin dying before achieving his dreams and before living a full life. I struggled to keep my sanity while supporting those around me. I cried until I felt empty, hollow, and hopeless. The dark turmoil in my soul reflected upon my whole world. Nothing seemed right! My hair was always a mess, one of my favorite sandals was missing, my homework was overwhelming, my clothes never fit right, my friends seemed to be distant, and the days drug on and on. Nothing was right! Nothing!
A simple change turned my life around and caused me to believe again. One afternoon while trying to escape the emotional upheaval ripping my world apart, I plopped down along the river in pure exhaustion and defeat. The churning river beat and thrashed, struggling to continue downstream around the large, jutting rocks. As I sat cross-legged and hunched forward cursing at fate and pounding the very ground beneath my feet, a subtle change took place in my heart. I started to notice the simple joys surrounding me. The slightest stir of a cool breeze lifted from the river and gently fluttered my ponytail against the curve of my neck. Raising my head, a smile tugged at the corners of lips as I watched a large bass leap from the water, catch a passing dragonfly, and splash back into the clear river, leaving a rainbow of ripples upon the surface. All I had to do was open my eyes and look around at all the simple joys surrounding me.
I believe in the simple joys. Getting a big hug from my niece, my favorite team celebrating a victory, and my puppy sitting for the first time on command are simple joys I have learned to take pleasure in. I have developed an appreciation for a beautiful sunset, the little girl smiling at me in the next car, the smell of freshly baked cookies, the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, the taste of rich hot cocoa, and that today is Friday! By noticing the simple joys, my whole world seems brighter and happier.
Being grateful and taking account of the big things in life is easy. Sure, all my basic needs are met. I have a home, food on the table, clothes to wear, good health, and family and friends who love me. But as I started becoming aware of the more simple things around me, I began to have hope and to feel alive again. During my life I will experience times of grief, pain, and suffering, but if I look around the simple joys will always be there to help me through. I can’t afford to waste another day letting life pass me by.
I believe in the power of simple joys.
The above essay was written by my niece, Angela, shortly after Josh died. I dedicated today to her memory by noticing and enjoying the simple joys around me. Angela's beautiful words help those of us who remain behind to know how to face the days ahead. Out of the mouth of babes................
Advanced Comp
This I Believe Essay
I believe in the power of simple joys.
A few months ago, I was experiencing a difficult time in my life. All around me, the world seemed to be crumbling under my feet. My eighteen-year-old cousin was shot and killed; then a week later my great uncle passed away. My entire family walked around in a dark stupor, fighting to understand and accept the horror of such tragedy. I screamed at the injustice of my cousin dying before achieving his dreams and before living a full life. I struggled to keep my sanity while supporting those around me. I cried until I felt empty, hollow, and hopeless. The dark turmoil in my soul reflected upon my whole world. Nothing seemed right! My hair was always a mess, one of my favorite sandals was missing, my homework was overwhelming, my clothes never fit right, my friends seemed to be distant, and the days drug on and on. Nothing was right! Nothing!
A simple change turned my life around and caused me to believe again. One afternoon while trying to escape the emotional upheaval ripping my world apart, I plopped down along the river in pure exhaustion and defeat. The churning river beat and thrashed, struggling to continue downstream around the large, jutting rocks. As I sat cross-legged and hunched forward cursing at fate and pounding the very ground beneath my feet, a subtle change took place in my heart. I started to notice the simple joys surrounding me. The slightest stir of a cool breeze lifted from the river and gently fluttered my ponytail against the curve of my neck. Raising my head, a smile tugged at the corners of lips as I watched a large bass leap from the water, catch a passing dragonfly, and splash back into the clear river, leaving a rainbow of ripples upon the surface. All I had to do was open my eyes and look around at all the simple joys surrounding me.
I believe in the simple joys. Getting a big hug from my niece, my favorite team celebrating a victory, and my puppy sitting for the first time on command are simple joys I have learned to take pleasure in. I have developed an appreciation for a beautiful sunset, the little girl smiling at me in the next car, the smell of freshly baked cookies, the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, the taste of rich hot cocoa, and that today is Friday! By noticing the simple joys, my whole world seems brighter and happier.
Being grateful and taking account of the big things in life is easy. Sure, all my basic needs are met. I have a home, food on the table, clothes to wear, good health, and family and friends who love me. But as I started becoming aware of the more simple things around me, I began to have hope and to feel alive again. During my life I will experience times of grief, pain, and suffering, but if I look around the simple joys will always be there to help me through. I can’t afford to waste another day letting life pass me by.
I believe in the power of simple joys.
The above essay was written by my niece, Angela, shortly after Josh died. I dedicated today to her memory by noticing and enjoying the simple joys around me. Angela's beautiful words help those of us who remain behind to know how to face the days ahead. Out of the mouth of babes................
We Never Say Goodbye
Sheldon VanAuken, a good friend of author C.S. Lewis, was leaving England and
returning to the United States. The two old friends talked about many things that last day at
lunch. Life, friendship, the good times they’d had -- even death.
Lewis said that he hoped VanAuken and his wife would return soon to England for
a visit. But then he added, “At all events...we’ll certainly meet again, here -- or there.”
They finished their tea, and Lewis said to his friend: “I won’t say goodbye. We’ll meet
again.”
So Lewis crossed the busy street while VanAuken stood there watching. When
Lewis arrived on the other side, he turned, waved and shouted something. VanAuken, who
couldn’t understand because of the traffic, shook his head. So Lewis shouted even louder:
“Christians never say goodbye!”
I think that Angela would like that story. Christians really don’t ever say goodbye.
Because we will meet again, if not here then in heaven, the fairest place of all.
Pastor Joel Ballew
From the memorial service for Angela.
returning to the United States. The two old friends talked about many things that last day at
lunch. Life, friendship, the good times they’d had -- even death.
Lewis said that he hoped VanAuken and his wife would return soon to England for
a visit. But then he added, “At all events...we’ll certainly meet again, here -- or there.”
They finished their tea, and Lewis said to his friend: “I won’t say goodbye. We’ll meet
again.”
So Lewis crossed the busy street while VanAuken stood there watching. When
Lewis arrived on the other side, he turned, waved and shouted something. VanAuken, who
couldn’t understand because of the traffic, shook his head. So Lewis shouted even louder:
“Christians never say goodbye!”
I think that Angela would like that story. Christians really don’t ever say goodbye.
Because we will meet again, if not here then in heaven, the fairest place of all.
Pastor Joel Ballew
From the memorial service for Angela.
We Will Live
Another day. Life is bittersweet. We hang on to the precious memories and the love that we have for those already gone. We embrace the life we have with those who are still here. In defiance of death, WE WILL LIVE in spite of the pain in our hearts.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (New American Standard Bible)
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
Originally posted October 20, 2009
Lamentations 3:22-23 (New American Standard Bible)
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
Originally posted October 20, 2009
Angela Faith
Angela F. Kania
October 16, 2009
Angela Faith Kania, 16, beloved daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend, of 52 Limestone Road went home to be with the God who filled her heart on Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2009, at the University of Virginia Medical Center in Charlottesville. Angela was born Nov. 3, 1992, in Harrisonburg, a daughter of Phillip Michael Kania of Staunton and Cathy Irene (Cupp) VanLear of Verona.
Angela was preceded in death by an infant sister, Amanda Catherine Kania; her paternal grandparents, Stanley J. and Emilia Kania; and a cousin, Josh Hall.
She was a junior at Fort Defiance High School, where she was a member of the academic and forensics clubs. Angela was a member of Lebanon Church of the Brethren, where she belonged to the youth of the church, and of the Shenandoah District Church of the Brethren Youth Cabinet. Her favorite pastime was babysitting, because she loved children and always became a big sister to those in her care.
Angela was full of life and enthusiastic, outgoing and exuberant with all her family and friends. She always had advice for everyone who needed her and never met anyone she couldn't talk to. Her faith was the foundation in her life, and she was looking forward to sharing God's love on mission trips abroad, like she already did at home every day.
There are so many reasons to remember Angela, because whatever she did, she did big. Her smile and her love of life will always be in our hearts.
In addition to her father and her mother, Angela is survived by her stepmother, Donna H. Kania of Staunton, and her stepfather, Ron VanLear of Verona; a brother, Andy P. Kania and his fiancé, Angie Simonetti; maternal grandparents, Marcus S. and Treva S. Cupp of Verona; three uncles, Les J. Kania and his wife, Maria, of Silver Spring, Md., Kenneth E. Cupp and his wife, Dianne, of Mount Sidney and Michael "Mike" Cupp and his wife, Tammy, of Staunton; an aunt, Michelle L. Weaver and her husband, Wes, of Verona; and cousins, Matt and Elizabeth (Cupp) Packer, Timothy, Laura and Sam Cupp, Kristin and Mikey Cupp, Alissa Hall and Steve and Melinda Kania.
A celebration of Angela's life will be conducted at 5 p.m. Sunday, Oct. 18, 2009, in Lebanon Church of the Brethren by the Rev. Joel E. Ballew.
The family will have a private graveside service.
The family will receive friends from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 17, 2009, in Coffman Funeral Home and at other times at the homes of her parents, Phil and Donna Kania, at 50 Heather Lane in Staunton and Cathy and Ron VanLear at 52 Limestone Road in Verona.
It is suggested by the family that those desiring to make memorial contributions should do so to Cathy VanLear, 52 Limestone Road, Verona, VA 24482 to be distributed to the youth of her church and the many different mission projects and trips that Angela was planning to attend.
Coffman Funeral Home and Crematory at 230 Frontier Drive in Staunton is in charge of her arrangements.
Condolences may be expressed to the family online at www.coffmanfuneralhome.net.
Originally posted October 16, 2009
October 16, 2009
Angela Faith Kania, 16, beloved daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend, of 52 Limestone Road went home to be with the God who filled her heart on Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2009, at the University of Virginia Medical Center in Charlottesville. Angela was born Nov. 3, 1992, in Harrisonburg, a daughter of Phillip Michael Kania of Staunton and Cathy Irene (Cupp) VanLear of Verona.
Angela was preceded in death by an infant sister, Amanda Catherine Kania; her paternal grandparents, Stanley J. and Emilia Kania; and a cousin, Josh Hall.
She was a junior at Fort Defiance High School, where she was a member of the academic and forensics clubs. Angela was a member of Lebanon Church of the Brethren, where she belonged to the youth of the church, and of the Shenandoah District Church of the Brethren Youth Cabinet. Her favorite pastime was babysitting, because she loved children and always became a big sister to those in her care.
Angela was full of life and enthusiastic, outgoing and exuberant with all her family and friends. She always had advice for everyone who needed her and never met anyone she couldn't talk to. Her faith was the foundation in her life, and she was looking forward to sharing God's love on mission trips abroad, like she already did at home every day.
There are so many reasons to remember Angela, because whatever she did, she did big. Her smile and her love of life will always be in our hearts.
In addition to her father and her mother, Angela is survived by her stepmother, Donna H. Kania of Staunton, and her stepfather, Ron VanLear of Verona; a brother, Andy P. Kania and his fiancé, Angie Simonetti; maternal grandparents, Marcus S. and Treva S. Cupp of Verona; three uncles, Les J. Kania and his wife, Maria, of Silver Spring, Md., Kenneth E. Cupp and his wife, Dianne, of Mount Sidney and Michael "Mike" Cupp and his wife, Tammy, of Staunton; an aunt, Michelle L. Weaver and her husband, Wes, of Verona; and cousins, Matt and Elizabeth (Cupp) Packer, Timothy, Laura and Sam Cupp, Kristin and Mikey Cupp, Alissa Hall and Steve and Melinda Kania.
A celebration of Angela's life will be conducted at 5 p.m. Sunday, Oct. 18, 2009, in Lebanon Church of the Brethren by the Rev. Joel E. Ballew.
The family will have a private graveside service.
The family will receive friends from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 17, 2009, in Coffman Funeral Home and at other times at the homes of her parents, Phil and Donna Kania, at 50 Heather Lane in Staunton and Cathy and Ron VanLear at 52 Limestone Road in Verona.
It is suggested by the family that those desiring to make memorial contributions should do so to Cathy VanLear, 52 Limestone Road, Verona, VA 24482 to be distributed to the youth of her church and the many different mission projects and trips that Angela was planning to attend.
Coffman Funeral Home and Crematory at 230 Frontier Drive in Staunton is in charge of her arrangements.
Condolences may be expressed to the family online at www.coffmanfuneralhome.net.
Originally posted October 16, 2009
Angela
Our family has suffered another loss. Our beautiful niece, Angela Kania, passed away shortly after midnight and went to heaven to be with Jesus, her sister, Josh and other other loved ones. Our hearts are aching for our loss but we know that she is at perfect peace. I just know in my heart she is there teasing Josh the way she always did here on this earth and making him smile in spite of himself.
Always a bright smile, a twinkle in her eye, a hug and a kiss on the cheek for Aunt Tammy, never did she fail to say, "I love you" when we parted to go our seperate ways.
I love you, my darling, girl. I always will.
Originally posted October 14, 2009
Always a bright smile, a twinkle in her eye, a hug and a kiss on the cheek for Aunt Tammy, never did she fail to say, "I love you" when we parted to go our seperate ways.
I love you, my darling, girl. I always will.
Originally posted October 14, 2009
Josh is Celebrating
Today marks one year free from sadness, pain or suffering for my precious son. I can see Joshua smiling that smile of his and giving everyone around him a big hug. I don't know if there are any guitars in heaven, but if there are, I know he has found one and will be playing music for everyone today.
While we who remain are filled with sorrow because our loss is so great our hope lies in the fact that we know Josh has no cause for sorrow, only for celebration.
For me, this day brings a lot of emotion. I am amazed that a whole year has gone by. I have learned that I can keep on going. I have learned that I can laugh again. I have learned that it's always ok to cry. I have learned to allow myself to be open and vulnerable and share my heart with others. I have learned that some folks embrace that sharing and that others turn from it. Something about the culmination of the "year after" is bittersweet. It makes me sad to know that it has already been a year since my son lived on this earth. Something inside me is afraid that others will forget. I don't want anyone to ever forget Josh. On the other hand, knowing that I have actually survived the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years, Valentines Day, Alissa's birthday, Easter, my birthday, Josh's birthday, Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall and a host of other important days without Josh being here, has given me the strength to know that I will be ok.
Today my heart hurts, but it's filled with overwhelming peace.
And Josh........................he knows only peace and joy. That's cause for celebration.
My dear son,
You continue to bless my life in your absence as much as you did when I was able to touch you, hear you and feel you with me. Just as living with you taught me so much, living without you is teaching me lessons that I never would have learned otherwise. I look forward to the day when we can be together once again. I pray that until that day, I have the strength to live a life that you would be proud of. I love you so much. I miss you.
Mom
Originally posted September 16, 2009
While we who remain are filled with sorrow because our loss is so great our hope lies in the fact that we know Josh has no cause for sorrow, only for celebration.
For me, this day brings a lot of emotion. I am amazed that a whole year has gone by. I have learned that I can keep on going. I have learned that I can laugh again. I have learned that it's always ok to cry. I have learned to allow myself to be open and vulnerable and share my heart with others. I have learned that some folks embrace that sharing and that others turn from it. Something about the culmination of the "year after" is bittersweet. It makes me sad to know that it has already been a year since my son lived on this earth. Something inside me is afraid that others will forget. I don't want anyone to ever forget Josh. On the other hand, knowing that I have actually survived the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years, Valentines Day, Alissa's birthday, Easter, my birthday, Josh's birthday, Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall and a host of other important days without Josh being here, has given me the strength to know that I will be ok.
Today my heart hurts, but it's filled with overwhelming peace.
And Josh........................he knows only peace and joy. That's cause for celebration.
My dear son,
You continue to bless my life in your absence as much as you did when I was able to touch you, hear you and feel you with me. Just as living with you taught me so much, living without you is teaching me lessons that I never would have learned otherwise. I look forward to the day when we can be together once again. I pray that until that day, I have the strength to live a life that you would be proud of. I love you so much. I miss you.
Mom
Originally posted September 16, 2009
One Year Ago Today
One year ago today I sat in shock listening to the clock ticking away the seconds as my son's life hang in the balance. I was told it was pointless to fly to where he was 1000 miles away because he would probably be gone by the time I got there. When I received calls from his hospital room, I could hear the life support system and the rythm of his heart that was still beating. I remember focusing on that beating heart rather than the words that were being spoken to me. Yet, I knew in my heart, that he was already gone.
Today and tomorrow will be very difficult days for me. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
Originally posted September 15, 2009
Today and tomorrow will be very difficult days for me. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
Originally posted September 15, 2009
I'm OK
I just want to preface this post with "I'm OK".
I really am OK. Yes, my heart is bleeding, hurting and broken and this month is a hard one to get through.
I am compelled to write of my feelings and my memories and while the grief is sometimes overwhelming, I want those of you reading my words to know that I am OK. However, I can't stop myself from writing. I must write. To hold it all inside would make me "Not OK".
Tonight I am thinking so many things. I am thinking about Josh's friend Sam who just started his first year of college. Sam and Josh were so close and had so many shared dreams. Sam keeps in touch with me and is such a good, good young man. I am so honored that he is part of my life. When I think of Sam, I think of Josh. I think of all the things he never got a chance to do.
My mind is a jumbled mess of mixed emotions and totally unrelated facts. Like the fact that my Christmas cactus has bloomed twice a year every year until the Christmas after Josh died. It did not bloom. I thought it might bloom around Easter, as it usually does, but it did not bloom again. I was looking at it today and wondering if it will bloom this year? I think it's appropriate that it did not bloom after Josh died but I wonder how long it will mourn?
And the clock keeps running through my mind. It's not my clock. It's an old antique mantel clock that my brother sent with me to see if Mike's dad could repair it. He got it working for a while and then it stopped. We could not get it to run. The night I got the call about Josh, I accidentally bumped the clock and it began to tick. As I set there for almost 24 hours waiting to hear that Josh had finally passed on from his wounds, I listened to each second pass as the clock ticked. Sometime after I got the word that Josh had passed away, the clock stopped. Mike was going to try to wind it and get it running again one day, but I stopped him. I can't stand to hear it ticking.................then again, I want to hear it tick.
Warm sunshine on a September day, reminds me of sitting at the grave site with the sun beating down on us. It was hot the day we put my son's ashes in the ground.
Apples will be ready soon and I will be canning apple sauce. Somehow last year I made it through several bushels of apples after Josh died. I am not sure how. I don't really even remember it. Josh loved apples. Even as a young child, a baby really, he would ask for an apple before asking for anything else. We have a video of him eating an apple (he was probably two) and then feeding the dog a bite before he took another.
I heard a noise the other day. It sounded like someone was in Josh's old room. I had to go in there and look around. I never go in there. Mikey had it after Josh and there is nothing left of Josh's in that room. When I went in, it smelled like Josh had been in there. How I wished that he were there! I had to leave the room. It hurt too badly being in there.
So many memories and so much pain. I will make it through this month. I have had so much support and love from so many people, near and far, those whom I have met and many I have never met. I am thankful for all of you.
Originally posted September 10, 2009
I really am OK. Yes, my heart is bleeding, hurting and broken and this month is a hard one to get through.
I am compelled to write of my feelings and my memories and while the grief is sometimes overwhelming, I want those of you reading my words to know that I am OK. However, I can't stop myself from writing. I must write. To hold it all inside would make me "Not OK".
Tonight I am thinking so many things. I am thinking about Josh's friend Sam who just started his first year of college. Sam and Josh were so close and had so many shared dreams. Sam keeps in touch with me and is such a good, good young man. I am so honored that he is part of my life. When I think of Sam, I think of Josh. I think of all the things he never got a chance to do.
My mind is a jumbled mess of mixed emotions and totally unrelated facts. Like the fact that my Christmas cactus has bloomed twice a year every year until the Christmas after Josh died. It did not bloom. I thought it might bloom around Easter, as it usually does, but it did not bloom again. I was looking at it today and wondering if it will bloom this year? I think it's appropriate that it did not bloom after Josh died but I wonder how long it will mourn?
And the clock keeps running through my mind. It's not my clock. It's an old antique mantel clock that my brother sent with me to see if Mike's dad could repair it. He got it working for a while and then it stopped. We could not get it to run. The night I got the call about Josh, I accidentally bumped the clock and it began to tick. As I set there for almost 24 hours waiting to hear that Josh had finally passed on from his wounds, I listened to each second pass as the clock ticked. Sometime after I got the word that Josh had passed away, the clock stopped. Mike was going to try to wind it and get it running again one day, but I stopped him. I can't stand to hear it ticking.................then again, I want to hear it tick.
Warm sunshine on a September day, reminds me of sitting at the grave site with the sun beating down on us. It was hot the day we put my son's ashes in the ground.
Apples will be ready soon and I will be canning apple sauce. Somehow last year I made it through several bushels of apples after Josh died. I am not sure how. I don't really even remember it. Josh loved apples. Even as a young child, a baby really, he would ask for an apple before asking for anything else. We have a video of him eating an apple (he was probably two) and then feeding the dog a bite before he took another.
I heard a noise the other day. It sounded like someone was in Josh's old room. I had to go in there and look around. I never go in there. Mikey had it after Josh and there is nothing left of Josh's in that room. When I went in, it smelled like Josh had been in there. How I wished that he were there! I had to leave the room. It hurt too badly being in there.
So many memories and so much pain. I will make it through this month. I have had so much support and love from so many people, near and far, those whom I have met and many I have never met. I am thankful for all of you.
Originally posted September 10, 2009
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