Unbearable

The pain has been unbearable these past few weeks and I really can't figure out why. I had a break through there for a while and thought I was doing so much better but here I am wondering again how I am ever going to make it. I will. This I know. One step at a time....one breath at a time. Perhaps, these feelings are so intense because I am finally beginning to "wake up" enough to realize just how much of life is passing me by. I want to be able to reach out and take a hold of life once again.........the desire is there............to live life to the fullest. However, I am not able to get there. I just can't get past the grief. I feel like I am on a treadmill, working so hard just to keep up but getting no where. It scares me to think I might be in this place forever..................this place of just hanging on.

Tomorrow we are celebrating Alissa's 21st birthday. I want to be able to be happy but all I can do is think about the fact that Josh is not going to be here. He should be here. I should have both of my children with me. Instead, I will try to celebrate the life of my precious daughter while I mourn the death of my precious son. I never dreamed life could be this hard. Nothing that I have ever gone through could have prepared me for this.