A Little Relief

Not really sure why the grief these last few weeks has been so intense but it has been like a heavy blanket weighing down upon me to the point where I coudl hardly function. I struggled with thoughts of whether I was going to stay in this state forever or if I would once again be able to inch my way back to some sort of "new normal". Thankfully, I have begun to see some improvement in the last two days. I'm still struggling but things are a little better. I am hopeful once again. Sometimes just the knowledge that I must bear this grief for the rest of my life is overwhelming. We talked about this in our grief support group this past week. Our counselor reminded us that grief had no time tables and that it doesn't just "get better" at the one year anniversary, or the two year anniversary. Sometimes people still suffer intense grief even after a lifetime of living with the loss. I think part of my depression the past few weeks has been that I just became so tired of the battle that I just couldn't imagine how I could continue on this way indefinitely. Grieving is such hard work and leaves one feeling fatigued. Then when life keeps throwing things at you to deal with, it just becomes almost unbearable at times.

Somewhere in the midst of the pain, the grief, the suffering there is always the Hope that I cling to. The realization that in spite of everything here on this earth that someday I will be with Josh in a place where there is no more suffering or pain. That Hope is what I cling to.