People won't notice.............

When you stand in the rain and smile, people won't notice your tears.

It's raining

It's raining one of those "Josh" rains. You know, the kind where the thunder is rolling in the background................close but not too close. You can see the lightening from a distance. The rain is warm on my skin and it's enough to get my hair wet slowly. I stayed outside in it so that I could feel it on my skin and face and so that I could be close to Josh and keep his tradition of walking in the rain alive. When I came in, I made sure to track of the floor just like he would do. Those gentle rain drops are kisses from my baby. He's smiling. I love you Josh!

Rain

It remained over-cast all day yesterday and around dark it began to mist.

I smiled.

When Mike came home from playing basketball he said, "You know, it's really funny but it wasn't raining any where but right here."

I smiled.

When I woke in the middle of the night, I could hear the rain gently falling.

I smiled.

When I got out of bed around 4 am and went out on the deck and stood and the edge and lifted my face to the sky and let the gentle mist touch my cheeks.............

I smiled.

Originally posted September 17, 2009

And Still It Rains

All night and day it rained. This evening coming in from checking on the animals for one last time, it was a light mist brushing my cheeks................butterfly kisses.

Originally posted June 17, 2009

It Had To Rain

It had to rain today. I knew it would. I knew that by some crazy twist of fate that when this date came that it would rain.

It was one year ago this month that Josh and Alissa left with high hopes and dreams. Two young people in love with life and ready for the adventure that it would bring. As a mother, I knew I had to let them go. When I kissed and hugged Alissa and told her goodbye, my heart ached. When I kissed and hugged Josh, I clung to him and I cried. Was there something subconscious telling me not to let him go? I had no choice. He went.

Nine months ago today Josh left this world. I never got to see him again. I never got to hold him in my arms and kiss and hug him again.

Josh loves the rain. I knew it would rain today.

I love you, Josh!

Originally published June 16, 2009

A Walk In The Rain

We have been experiencing drought conditions for the past two years. However, things have changed now. We have been getting an abundance of rain. The rain can make the outside chores difficult at times and cleaning muddy udders before milking the cows can be an adventure, to say the least. But, we can't complain about the rain. The hay is growing, the garden is growing, the grass is growing and everything is very green.

It seems I am always getting caught out in the rain. Instead of getting irritated with the muddy mess and with what seems like constant down-pours that leave me soaked to the skin more often than not, I have begun to see the rain as kisses from heaven.

You see, Josh loved the rain. I have mentioned before how he would run outside the minute it would start raining and take a walk. The harder it rained, the more he liked it. He would lift his face to the sky and let the rain drops brush his cheeks and soak his skin. What most people avoided in the weather, he welcomed and embraced. Perhaps it was the memory of the times when he was a child and I took him for walks in the gentle spring rains that made him seek out even the greatest downpour. I mean, if a little bit of rain is good, then a torrential rain is even better, right?

My son I am convinced is talking to the Father and saying, "Send some more rain. My mom needs to feel it on her skin. She needs to look up to the sky and let the water wash over her face. She needs to feel the gentle drops on her cheeks."

And the rains keep coming. I convinced that there is some lesson here that I am suppose to learn. This journey I am on of deep sadness and overwhelming loss is a walk in the rain. So, I lift my face and I inhale the air around me. I breathe. I contemplate my life and the life of the child to whom I gave birth who now lives in heaven. I remember all the special times we shared. I embrace the rain.

I cry, but I smile. Sometimes, I even laugh. One day, I even found myself speaking outloud and laughing as the thunder rolled and the rain soaked through my jacket, "Ok, I accept the rain and I will learn to laugh in spite of it, Josh." I see his smile sometimes just like he was standing beside me again.

Those rain drops.................they are little kisses. Each rain drop is a kiss sent down to me from heaven from my precious son. I no longer run from the rain and try to avoid it.

I taught Josh to walk in the rain, now he is teach me to do the same.

This has been a hard week. The grieving process is a long road and I am learning to put my life back together a little at a time. But still I know, it will never be the same. Some days are better than others and some days are just downright hard. I had my 42nd birthday yesterday and it was a wonderful day filled with phone calls, emails and cards from a lot of people sending their love and best wishes. Yet, I missed that one birthday wish, that one "I love you" and that one hug from my son. The best part of my whole day was when Alissa came by and I got to hold her in my arms for a prolonged hug. It was good just to feel her there inside my embrace. That was the best birthday present ever. I just wish that I could have held Josh one more time as well.

Josh's best friend as well as other friends are graduating. Had Josh not taken his GED and finished last year, he would be graduating this year as well. I can help but imagine his excitment over his best friend's graduation. I can just hear him calling me on the phone to tell me all about it. Josh was always so proud of his friend's acheivements.

It's a hard week. I missing you really bad, Josh. I'm learning though and I am trying to be strong, buddy.

I love you,

Mom

Originally published May 29, 2009