Patchwork of Emotions

The more precious and beautiful the day, the more poignant the grief. It's like a patchwork of beautiful moments that are broken by lines of grief. Yesterday was so hard! How I loved having my Alissa, Kristin and Mikey here to celebrate Alissa's birthday but the pain was so sharp I could hardly keep the smile on my face. In fact, when Alissa left, I broke down and cried in front of her. I didn't want to but could not help myself.

Not only was there the tremendous pain of knowing that Josh was not here to celebrate Alissa's 21st birthday, it was the pain of knowing this was the first birthday that Alissa is celebrating without her cousin, Angela. They always celebrated this day together. I know that missing the two people who were the most important people her age in her life made the day bitter sweet for my dear girl. I know it did for me. Angela's mom bravely came to the birthday meal. I know it was hard on her to be here with us and to know that Alissa wanted her here because by having her with us, we had part of Angela that we could see and touch here with us. As mothers, a part of our spirit goes on to be with our child and a part of them remains in us. Broken we will be until that moment we are reunited for eternity.

Alissa's 21'st birthday without Josh & Angela

Today we celebrated Alissa's 21st birthday, although her actual birthday is tomorrow. Alissa and Angela always celebrated in some way together on their birthdays and of course, Alissa and Josh were inseperable. So, this milestone birthday was especially hard on all of us because I know we were all thinking about Josh and Angela who are no longer with us. The tears have flown freely today for me as I rejoice in the beauty of my precious daughter and all she means to me and at the same time mourn for my son, Josh, who is no longer with us.

I hurt for myself but I hurt for Alissa. She and Josh, only 16 months apart in age, were best friends. Now Alissa calls me and says how she hates to be alone. She always had Josh and now he is gone. And Angela and Alissa were so much alike they could have been twins in so many ways. They were the best of friends. It just doesn't seem fair that my baby girl had to lose the two people that were the most important in her life.

I have to believe that Josh and Angela are celebrating in heaven in honor of Alissa's birthday.

Matthew West/Save a Place for Me Lyrics:

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there