It has been very hard for me to make any posts that are not associate with Josh. There have been days when I would pull up my blog to make an entry and I would see Josh's smiling face and I just couldn't post anything.
Although I will miss Josh and think of him every day, and although my heart is so heavy most of the time, and although the tears still flow easily and frequently, and although I still stumble through my days trying to get my act together..............life does go on.
I must find a balance in my grief so that I can be all that my remaining family and loved ones need for me to be. With that in mind, it is time for me to continue my entries in my blog..................
Joshua, I love you so much! I carry your memories close to me and my heart will always have an empty place until I reach Heaven and can be with you once again.
Mom
Originally posted October 7, 2008
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Alissa's Tribute
Alissa's Tribute Originally posted on my other blog on September 25, 2008
My daughter, Alissa, wrote the following poem about her struggles with grief and her love and hope.
I keep walking on,
Shoulders hunched,
Head down,
The hood on my dark jacket up,
The weather pefectly reflecting my mood.
Rain......sadness pouring from a rumbling blackened sky,
The river roaring in its anger, like me, pushing forward.
I see birds soaring,
Enjoying themselves,
Sweeping, diving, calling to each other,
Just enjoying the moment.
I push on
Still full of sadness and anger.
As I walk on,
I catch a glimpse of color
Out of the corner of my eye.
A Rainbow,
Faint, but there in the darkened sky,
Ending on a mountain top on one side
And disappearing into the town on the other.
Instantly, I was filled with hope,
My anger rolled away,
Slowly with the clouds.
My sadness dried up with the rain
Only a gentle mist of remembrance lingered.
My end of the rainbow moment God gave me
To remind me to push through the storms of life.
At the end there will be a rainbow.
Last year, Joshua gave me a prism. It sits in my dining room window, but the angle of the sun was not right to "catch the rainbow". Since Josh's death, the angle of the sun has been right and I have rainbows scattered across my walls and floor every morning reminding me of my precious son.
I miss you, Josh. I love you,
Mom
My daughter, Alissa, wrote the following poem about her struggles with grief and her love and hope.
I keep walking on,
Shoulders hunched,
Head down,
The hood on my dark jacket up,
The weather pefectly reflecting my mood.
Rain......sadness pouring from a rumbling blackened sky,
The river roaring in its anger, like me, pushing forward.
I see birds soaring,
Enjoying themselves,
Sweeping, diving, calling to each other,
Just enjoying the moment.
I push on
Still full of sadness and anger.
As I walk on,
I catch a glimpse of color
Out of the corner of my eye.
A Rainbow,
Faint, but there in the darkened sky,
Ending on a mountain top on one side
And disappearing into the town on the other.
Instantly, I was filled with hope,
My anger rolled away,
Slowly with the clouds.
My sadness dried up with the rain
Only a gentle mist of remembrance lingered.
My end of the rainbow moment God gave me
To remind me to push through the storms of life.
At the end there will be a rainbow.
Last year, Joshua gave me a prism. It sits in my dining room window, but the angle of the sun was not right to "catch the rainbow". Since Josh's death, the angle of the sun has been right and I have rainbows scattered across my walls and floor every morning reminding me of my precious son.
I miss you, Josh. I love you,
Mom
My Son Is At Peace In Heaven
Joshua Marlin Hall, born July 27, 1990, went home to be with Jesus on Sep. 16, 2008.
Joshua is survived by his parents Greg A. Hall of Avon,Colorado and Tammy Renee' Cupp of Staunton, Virginia; paternal grandparents Richard & Kay Hall of Lynchburg, Virginia; maternal grandparents LeBron & Helen Holbrook of Fredericktown, Missouri; maternal great-grandparents Marlin and Neva Starnes of Summerville, GA; and a sister Alissa Joy Hall of Staunton, VA. He is also survived by his step father S. Michael Cupp, a step-sister Kristin Cupp, a step-brother Mike Cupp, uncles, aunts, cousins and many extended family members and friends who love him very much.
Joshua was proceeded in death by his paternal great-grandparents Joshua & Tula Stephens and his maternal grandmother, Beverly Starnes Holbrook.
Memorial Services will be Sunday Sep. 21, 2008 at 2:00 P.M. at Thomas Road Baptist Church, Pate Chapel, with Pastor Jonathan Falwell, and Pastor Tom Frietas officiating.
Joshua went home to be with Jesus and now lives in peace in a place where there is no more pain or suffering.
Joshua was born July 27, 1990 and shared a birthday with his maternal grandfather, LeBron Holbrook. He was named Joshua Marlin in honor of his great grandfathers, Joshua Stephens and Marlin Starnes.
Joshua was born in Fairbanks, Alaska and lived in Delta Junction, Alaska for many years with his parents.
Josh enjoyed writing stories, and various types of music and art. He was involved in drama programs while attending Fort Defiance High School.
Joshua loved his friends and was always available to help them in any way that he could. He would talk to them for hours on the phone if they were dealing with a problem. He would give them any material possession he owned if they wanted it, and he freely gave of his money if he felt someone was in need. He loved to buy small, sometimes silly spur of the moment gifts for his loved ones just to show them that he cared.
One of Josh's best friends from grade school had a serious case of cancer. Josh did whatever it took to visit and keep in touch with his friend throughout his illness. He was faithful to his friend for over eight years as the friend struggled with cancer. When Joshua found out that his friend was cancer free, he was filled with excitement and could not contain his joy. Being there for those he loved was as natural as breathing to Joshua.
Josh loved the outdoors, camping, and had a soft spot in his heart for animals. Animals seemed to sense something in Joshua that attracted them to him. He was thoughtful and reflective and longed to make right the wrongs in the world.
Joshua loved to walk in the rain. No matter what time of the day or night, if it began to rain, Joshua would run outside with a smile on his face and let the rain soak him. He would come inside tracking up the floors and smile that Josh smile as if the rain had washed away all his cares.
Joshua was teaching himself to play the guitar and would practice for hours on end. Any free moment he had, we would find Joshua strumming on his guitar and sharing with someone something new he had learned or a song he was working on.
Joshua's passing has left a deep void in my heart and I miss him very much. I know he is at peace now and I look forward to one day holding him in my arms again.
I love you, Josh.
Mom
Joshua is survived by his parents Greg A. Hall of Avon,Colorado and Tammy Renee' Cupp of Staunton, Virginia; paternal grandparents Richard & Kay Hall of Lynchburg, Virginia; maternal grandparents LeBron & Helen Holbrook of Fredericktown, Missouri; maternal great-grandparents Marlin and Neva Starnes of Summerville, GA; and a sister Alissa Joy Hall of Staunton, VA. He is also survived by his step father S. Michael Cupp, a step-sister Kristin Cupp, a step-brother Mike Cupp, uncles, aunts, cousins and many extended family members and friends who love him very much.
Joshua was proceeded in death by his paternal great-grandparents Joshua & Tula Stephens and his maternal grandmother, Beverly Starnes Holbrook.
Memorial Services will be Sunday Sep. 21, 2008 at 2:00 P.M. at Thomas Road Baptist Church, Pate Chapel, with Pastor Jonathan Falwell, and Pastor Tom Frietas officiating.
Joshua went home to be with Jesus and now lives in peace in a place where there is no more pain or suffering.
Joshua was born July 27, 1990 and shared a birthday with his maternal grandfather, LeBron Holbrook. He was named Joshua Marlin in honor of his great grandfathers, Joshua Stephens and Marlin Starnes.
Joshua was born in Fairbanks, Alaska and lived in Delta Junction, Alaska for many years with his parents.
Josh enjoyed writing stories, and various types of music and art. He was involved in drama programs while attending Fort Defiance High School.
Joshua loved his friends and was always available to help them in any way that he could. He would talk to them for hours on the phone if they were dealing with a problem. He would give them any material possession he owned if they wanted it, and he freely gave of his money if he felt someone was in need. He loved to buy small, sometimes silly spur of the moment gifts for his loved ones just to show them that he cared.
One of Josh's best friends from grade school had a serious case of cancer. Josh did whatever it took to visit and keep in touch with his friend throughout his illness. He was faithful to his friend for over eight years as the friend struggled with cancer. When Joshua found out that his friend was cancer free, he was filled with excitement and could not contain his joy. Being there for those he loved was as natural as breathing to Joshua.
Josh loved the outdoors, camping, and had a soft spot in his heart for animals. Animals seemed to sense something in Joshua that attracted them to him. He was thoughtful and reflective and longed to make right the wrongs in the world.
Joshua loved to walk in the rain. No matter what time of the day or night, if it began to rain, Joshua would run outside with a smile on his face and let the rain soak him. He would come inside tracking up the floors and smile that Josh smile as if the rain had washed away all his cares.
Joshua was teaching himself to play the guitar and would practice for hours on end. Any free moment he had, we would find Joshua strumming on his guitar and sharing with someone something new he had learned or a song he was working on.
Joshua's passing has left a deep void in my heart and I miss him very much. I know he is at peace now and I look forward to one day holding him in my arms again.
I love you, Josh.
Mom
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Pain
I am learning that although the pain never goes away, comfort and pain can coexist. Sadness and happiness can coexist. Peace and turmoil can coexist. Tears and smiles can coexist. Strength and weakness can coexist. Life and death can coexist.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
A Walk in the Rain
Impulsively I yelled to the Josh and Alissa, "It's raining. Let's go outside and take a walk!" We did. The kids were young and it was so fun. The rain drops melted on our cheeks and we shivered as the chill of the weather took over our bodies. We laughed. We played. We walked in the rain.
The first rain drops would fall. Josh would go for a walk. Older now, the rain would melt on his cheeks and he would shiver as the chill took over his body. He would laugh. He walked in the rain.
Now I walk in the rain. The rain drops mix with the tears and melt on my cheeks. A shiver takes over my body. Through the tears, I laugh. I taught Josh to walk in the rain and now he is teaching me to take the storms and turn them around and make them something to be remembered.
The first rain drops would fall. Josh would go for a walk. Older now, the rain would melt on his cheeks and he would shiver as the chill took over his body. He would laugh. He walked in the rain.
Now I walk in the rain. The rain drops mix with the tears and melt on my cheeks. A shiver takes over my body. Through the tears, I laugh. I taught Josh to walk in the rain and now he is teaching me to take the storms and turn them around and make them something to be remembered.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I am angry
I am so angry right now.
I feel that under the circumstances, I have been doing very well. I feel that I have tried to be honest and open about my grief as I journey through this. I feel that most days are pretty good, but that I have some bad days. This week, I had some really bad days. I got really down on Sunday. There were a number of things that triggered it. One was that I was emotionally and physcially exhausted from trying to save the lives of two of my cows. I thought they were going to die. They are so important to me and have given me a focus since Josh's death. When I thought they were going to die, it was so devestating.
Then, there was going to be a memorial service at church for a young man that hung himself. I was devestated to hear of this loss and it brought up so many painful things for me.
Then this week, Jake went back to court and that always brings a wave of emotion to me.
And, it also seems that as the days grow closer to the 16th of every month, I struggle more.
When I need for people to be understanding and just let me have a bad day or a bad week.................they have come to the point now where they just want me to move on.
Someone I love very much called me yesterday and told me that I need to move on with my life.
I want to scream at them.....................I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I AM HAPPY AND ENJOYING LIFE WHEN I AM SO FILLED WITH PAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE EVERY DAY WITH THE FACT THAT MY LIFE IS A FAILURE.
All I ever dreamed of was being married, having beautiful children, giving them the very best home possible, and seeing them grow up happy and productive. I HAVE FAILED AND FAILED AND FAILED AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE FAILURE. MY SON IS GONE. THER IS NO MAKING IT RIGHT.
I am suppose to just move on from all of this and be happy????????
Now the pretending begins just like when my mother died..................BE QUIET. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER. DON'T CRY FOR HER. DON'T MISS HER. JUST LIVE LIFE.
Only now it's Josh.
So, when they ask me how I am...............I will be fine. I will smile. I will laugh...............I will appear to be fine.
INSIDE I WILL BE DEAD. I WILL BE CRYING. I WILL BE HURTING. THE TEARS WILL FALL WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND TO HOLD ME.
THESE TEARS AND HURT AND ANGER WILL SUCK THE VERY LIFE OUT OF ME AND DESTROY ME. THE VERY ONES WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP ME BY TELLNG ME TO GET OVER IT ARE GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.
Edited: It is almost 17 months later and I have chosen to leave this post as it originally appeared. The feelings were raw and real and need to be heard so that folks understand this side of grief. I have chosen to be completely open and honest about it all. That includes posts such as these.
I feel that under the circumstances, I have been doing very well. I feel that I have tried to be honest and open about my grief as I journey through this. I feel that most days are pretty good, but that I have some bad days. This week, I had some really bad days. I got really down on Sunday. There were a number of things that triggered it. One was that I was emotionally and physcially exhausted from trying to save the lives of two of my cows. I thought they were going to die. They are so important to me and have given me a focus since Josh's death. When I thought they were going to die, it was so devestating.
Then, there was going to be a memorial service at church for a young man that hung himself. I was devestated to hear of this loss and it brought up so many painful things for me.
Then this week, Jake went back to court and that always brings a wave of emotion to me.
And, it also seems that as the days grow closer to the 16th of every month, I struggle more.
When I need for people to be understanding and just let me have a bad day or a bad week.................they have come to the point now where they just want me to move on.
Someone I love very much called me yesterday and told me that I need to move on with my life.
I want to scream at them.....................I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I AM HAPPY AND ENJOYING LIFE WHEN I AM SO FILLED WITH PAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE EVERY DAY WITH THE FACT THAT MY LIFE IS A FAILURE.
All I ever dreamed of was being married, having beautiful children, giving them the very best home possible, and seeing them grow up happy and productive. I HAVE FAILED AND FAILED AND FAILED AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE FAILURE. MY SON IS GONE. THER IS NO MAKING IT RIGHT.
I am suppose to just move on from all of this and be happy????????
Now the pretending begins just like when my mother died..................BE QUIET. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER. DON'T CRY FOR HER. DON'T MISS HER. JUST LIVE LIFE.
Only now it's Josh.
So, when they ask me how I am...............I will be fine. I will smile. I will laugh...............I will appear to be fine.
INSIDE I WILL BE DEAD. I WILL BE CRYING. I WILL BE HURTING. THE TEARS WILL FALL WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND TO HOLD ME.
THESE TEARS AND HURT AND ANGER WILL SUCK THE VERY LIFE OUT OF ME AND DESTROY ME. THE VERY ONES WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP ME BY TELLNG ME TO GET OVER IT ARE GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.
Edited: It is almost 17 months later and I have chosen to leave this post as it originally appeared. The feelings were raw and real and need to be heard so that folks understand this side of grief. I have chosen to be completely open and honest about it all. That includes posts such as these.
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