About twenty years ago, I cross stitched a wall hanging for my (then) mother-in-law. It showed the face of a frazzled woman and said, "I can't relax. Tension is holding me together."
I often think about that silly little wall hanging because it seems it sums up my life at this point.
For so long, I could not function after Josh died. I went through the motions of the most basic tasks, but I just couldn't get my act together. At some point in the past few months, my brain has switched gears and now I can't do enough. I go through the days so busy that I have little time to think and it seems I like it that way. Of course, the loss of my son is always with me. It is a part of me that will never go away. But, I carry it with me as I work and fill my life with business so that I don't have time to get depressed.
Probably not healthy, but this is survival. Somehow, in the midst of the survival mode, I do find moments when I really feel like I am alive once again. Other times, I am in the middle of life and I just break down and cry over my precious son whom I miss so much.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
His Smile
I saw him smile that big, goofy smile. He waved. I waved back. I was so excited to see him as he was me. He was with friends and happy. I was thrilled. I saw him ride away in the back of his old pick up truck just grinning from ear to ear.
It was just a dream but a happy dream.
In my dream I continued to say "I saw Josh! I saw Josh!"
I told Mike my dream and he smiled.
It was just a dream but a happy dream.
In my dream I continued to say "I saw Josh! I saw Josh!"
I told Mike my dream and he smiled.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
No Constant
If I have learned anything over the last 2 plus years, it is that in the grief journey there is not constant. Feelings will change and just when you think you are settled and have found a new normal, there is some new emotion to deal with. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is just a fact.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
A Hero in the Arms of Jesus
My friend's son passed away this morning. A current veteran of the US Army who donated his organs so that others might live. He is a hero.
May God's grace, mercy and peace surround this family both now and in the days and years to come.
May God's grace, mercy and peace surround this family both now and in the days and years to come.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Praying for a MIiracle
The Eve before Christmas Eve and I am praying. I am begging God for a miracle. A friend's son is on life support. She is on her way to see him from another state. So many parallels, but this is not about me.
Merciful Father, please, I beg you to be with this mother. Grant her clarity of thought. May she feel your presence even in the midst of the terror that surrounds her. I also ask that you grant this family a miracle if at all possible. Surround this young man and may he feel Your arms around him. May he find comfort in your love. Please fill his heart with peace. Where there is life, there is hope and you are the God of all hope. If it please you, I pray that his life would be spared.
Amen
Merciful Father, please, I beg you to be with this mother. Grant her clarity of thought. May she feel your presence even in the midst of the terror that surrounds her. I also ask that you grant this family a miracle if at all possible. Surround this young man and may he feel Your arms around him. May he find comfort in your love. Please fill his heart with peace. Where there is life, there is hope and you are the God of all hope. If it please you, I pray that his life would be spared.
Amen
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Focus
Joshua's Well has given me a focus, a drive, a reason.
No, this will not bring my Joshua back to me and it will not take away the pain. Somehow though, by working towards this common goal of raising enough money to build this well, it brings light to the darkness and fills my heart with hope.
The well will be a memorial to my son whom I love so much. The well itself means nothing. It is the life that the well will bring to the people that is the true memorial.
I know Joshua would approve. I know it would make him smile to know that so many people are working together to make this happen.
Mike and I never give each other gifts at Christmas. So, I was suprised last night when he said to me that he was giving me a Christmas gift. The gift he has promised me is that he will send me to Guatemala for the dedication ceremony of Joshua's Well.
I am so touched by his understanding of my need to be there and by his willingness to make sure that I get to go. I am blessed with such a good husband that would give so unselfishly to meet my heart's desire.
In the beginning, after Josh died, I expressed to a few people that I had a dream to some day go to spend some time helping out in an orphanage overseas. It looks like I may also get to do this as well when I go to Guatemala.
We do not yet know the timing. That depends on when we can get the funds together and when the well is dug. I believe it will happen. I have faith that this is meant to be.
No, this will not bring my Joshua back to me and it will not take away the pain. Somehow though, by working towards this common goal of raising enough money to build this well, it brings light to the darkness and fills my heart with hope.
The well will be a memorial to my son whom I love so much. The well itself means nothing. It is the life that the well will bring to the people that is the true memorial.
I know Joshua would approve. I know it would make him smile to know that so many people are working together to make this happen.
Mike and I never give each other gifts at Christmas. So, I was suprised last night when he said to me that he was giving me a Christmas gift. The gift he has promised me is that he will send me to Guatemala for the dedication ceremony of Joshua's Well.
I am so touched by his understanding of my need to be there and by his willingness to make sure that I get to go. I am blessed with such a good husband that would give so unselfishly to meet my heart's desire.
In the beginning, after Josh died, I expressed to a few people that I had a dream to some day go to spend some time helping out in an orphanage overseas. It looks like I may also get to do this as well when I go to Guatemala.
We do not yet know the timing. That depends on when we can get the funds together and when the well is dug. I believe it will happen. I have faith that this is meant to be.
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