My grandmother's faith..............

Last night my grandmother called. She is a strong, beautiful lady who has always held strong to her Faith. She knows what it is to lose a child. She lost her only child, my mother. She endured the pain as she helped to raise her two grandchildren all the while exhibiting her undying Faith in a God who is good. Now, she grieves the death of her grandson. If anyone understands the pain I endure, it is my grandmother. She asked, when we talked, if I was ok. I said, "yes". She asked again, are you sure you are ok? I started to cry. She knows. I can be strong in front of everyone else but hearing my grandmother who knows my grief, who knows the pain of losing a child and a grandchild, asking again if I am ok and expecting to hear an honest answer, I broke down and cried.

I cried myself to sleep. I woke up crying. I need to cry. I need to release the pain in the form of tears. Sometimes the pain is just so hard to bear.

My grandmother is a wonderful example. I only hope that I can exhibit half as much faith as she has.

Happy Birthday, Joshua.

Twenty years ago today I first got to hold in my arms the precious, baby that I had carried in my womb for nine months. I was so thrilled to hold him in my arms, to count his fingers and toes, to kiss his fuzzy little head, and to smell his baby smells. How I wish I could go back to that day and hold him once again in my arms.
I miss him so much.

Happy Birthday, my Joshua Marlin. I love you so very, very much.

Mom

God is in His Heaven................

‎"God's in his Heaven -All's right with the world!" Originally from Pippa Passes by Robert Browning written in 1841. Hardly two years ago, my son had this tatooed across his shoulders. Twenty-two months ago today (16th) Joshua left the imperfect behind. Now, all is right in his world.

22 Months Since that Terrible Night

Tonight marks 22 months since that terrible night when the shot rang out that ended up taking your life. Everything in me hates that night. Everything in me hates these anniversaries of that night. I still sometimes scream out in my head saying that I know it can't be true. But it is true.

I am doing much, much better. The pain is the same. How can you lose a child and the pain ever be any better? I am learning how to handle the pain better. I have no choice.

I am stubbornly striving to dance in the rain. I read this quote yesterday and I thought of you:

Life isn't about sitting there waiting for the storm to pass... its about getting out there and dancing in the rain...even if it means getting wet.

So, I'm getting wet, Josh. Just like you use to do when the storms would come up and you would run outside laughing in spite of the lightening, thunder, winds and driving rain. Funny how I never tried to stop you. My heart wouldn't let me. To see you dancing in the rain made me smile. Now I am left to dance in the rain. I'm afraid I don't do it as well as you did, but I am learning. You are a good teacher.

I remember on this night 22 months ago how I dreamed but it was more than a dream. I truly believe God let your spirit touch mine as you passed from this world on to the next. So tonight, I will remember that final touch and celebrate that moment when you hesitated before going into the Father's arms to reach out and touch your momma one last time.

I miss you so much.

Mom

Does it ever go away?

Angela's mother asked me recently, "Does it ever get any better? Does the pain ever lessen with time?"

We were interrupted as I paused to try to formulate an answer that would not lead to despair. I know the question will be brought up again.

The pain never goes away. It's always there and will always be there. Some how, each day we find the strength to deal with it. We don't have a choice. We were not asked if we wanted this burden. We did not choose to lose our children or to have to endure this great sadness. Our choice is not whether we will deal with the grief but rather how we will deal with it.