Thanks

I realized after writing the previous post about the anger that I was feeling, that my anger and depression were robbing me of the thankful heart that I usually have. Having experienced the depths of the depression while trying desperately to cling to my hope in a loving Heavenly Father, I can tell you that one can not force the black cloud of depression and grief to fade away. However,as I expressed my hurt and anger, giving me an outlet for that pain I began to see glimpses of hope once again. I am by nature not an angry person. In fact, my nature is to propogate peace and love. Expressing my frustration, my anger, my grief in fact opened the door for me to once again be able to see the Light as strange as that may sound. Still in the depths of my darkness with Thanksgiving approaching, my heart longed for the peace that I always find in expressing my thanks from a greatful heart. However, the greatfulness and thankfullness were just not there. Or, perhaps they were there but just so deeply buried by my pain. I prayed in desperation, asking God to help me be thankful for the little things and to be able to focus once again on all the good things in my life. At some point over the Thanksgiving weekend, the tears began to fall cleansing my heart and opening the door for thankfulness. Once again thankfulness filled my heart, my soul, my being...............and the anger subsided.

Will it return. Yes, I am sure it will. Will I be able to see past the hurt? Maybe not for a while. Will this cycle continue? Perhaps.

What I do know is that God has not forsaken me. What I do know is my heart is full of thankfulness. What this has taught me is that "Yeah though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil for God is with me!"

I hate the dark valley. I can't see God's face when I am there. It's scary and it hurts really bad. I don't want to be there. But, I must make this journey.

I am thankful for His grace and thankful that He gives me glimpses of light as I struggle through this valley.

I am thankful.