I can't relax............

About twenty years ago, I cross stitched a wall hanging for my (then) mother-in-law. It showed the face of a frazzled woman and said, "I can't relax. Tension is holding me together."

I often think about that silly little wall hanging because it seems it sums up my life at this point.

For so long, I could not function after Josh died. I went through the motions of the most basic tasks, but I just couldn't get my act together. At some point in the past few months, my brain has switched gears and now I can't do enough. I go through the days so busy that I have little time to think and it seems I like it that way. Of course, the loss of my son is always with me. It is a part of me that will never go away. But, I carry it with me as I work and fill my life with business so that I don't have time to get depressed.

Probably not healthy, but this is survival. Somehow, in the midst of the survival mode, I do find moments when I really feel like I am alive once again. Other times, I am in the middle of life and I just break down and cry over my precious son whom I miss so much.